Gods plan is not for me to know. This is all I know.
I have been in a recovery process since I was 19. That was the moment I admitted to myself I was an alcoholic.
I did not put down the drink at 19, It was much later.
After destruction and so many sins that without Jesus Christ I have no idea how I could breathe after all the wrong doings.
I can breathe. I have held my breath in the last few years on numerous occasion.
But today, I made a call.
I feel sad and free.
I wrote down where I have been wrong and whom I had hurt.
There is a pattern to my character defects.
I am sad and free.
I wish there was a gentle way to tell everyone I have pushed down or broken since I was a teenager…a gentle way to say-I did that. I hurt you. I was selfish and cruel.
But alas that can’t happen today.
So I made a call. To her. When I put the pen down her face filled my mind. Maybe a year ago it would’ve been my aunt bills face who came to me. But this is not a year ago and I am not the woman I was then. I am new to me. Everything about me is new to me.There is rarely a day a dark thought comes even close to my street, much less my door, and such a rarity to enter I don’t even recall the smell…
I made a call. I cried my tears. And she said “It is good you are sad”…..
I am sad and free. I am a different woman than I have ever been. I pray that this woman inside of me grows…that I can help anyone. That is no lie. The word humility hits my heart right now and I wonder if writing this is taking away the work I did because I tell you. But if I didn’t tell you how can I help?
I am sad and I am free…and that my love makes me happy 🙂