Angels, Unicorns and Baby Jesus Really Do Exist
The world has made me vulnerable on purpose, yet at the same time I became a grown-ass woman who suddenly needed to make decisions on her own. (paraphrased by my dead mama mentor, GorgeousInGrey.com)
“Angels and Unicorns and Baby Jesus really do exist.”
My mama called me the other night in my dream. When I answered the phone I continued to say “Mom? Mom?” I was in shock. I was trembling with happiness to her voice. She calmly told me how it isn’t much different there. They all have jobs and she was just chillin’ right then. I could see her on the phone in a cute little house, candles lit, crisp fall day, chili on, people running around outside. That would be heaven for Mama. That sounds like heaven to me. Heaven is my Mamas sweet lullaby, her voice in the kitchen, candles lit, fire in the den, people in and out of the house we love, my kids piled up on my lap, Jon Cody outside chasin’ goats. Memaw on the radio.
Today is her birthday and I fight the guilt. It’s the guilt that rages sometimes in grief. How was I possibly too busy to throw her a 60th Birthday Bash? I told her-If you quit smoking I will do this and that. Who am I to judge her? If you make Mason mind I will let you come out on the road more. That one. That ONE kills me. Literally breaks me into pieces. I can see them. Like last nights’ glitter all over my floor. The guilt of things I did to my Mama. Don’t be that person who says “She wouldn’t want you to feel guilt” Well no shit Glenda but I do so let’s move through it. Work on it. Why did I do what I did? What can I do differently not to feel like this again? Get to the source of the defect. Acknowledge it, change it. DO NOT SIT IN SELF PITY. My Mama made me mad and I made her cry. Nobody loved her more though. I promise you that. NOBODY. Maybe baby bro and sis and auntie but I don’t know. My obsession was big and bountiful and she was so much to me. She still is. As I type she’s wrapped around me in this sweater. I hold tight. My birthday wasn’t really that difficult to get through. I felt and I cried some but I stayed busy. Today I take her things…so many things ..to good will. We slowly keep wrapping up her life. She died exactly 4 months ago. On this day. This night. The 7th or early morning like 1am on the 8th. She should’ve been at my house. She shouldn’t have driven home. But hey I was busy right? I had kids here. I had to leave early. It was an inconvenience I couldn’t deal with. Mama I am going to Canada and you won’t wake up then the kids will be crazy and on and on. So she died. Alone. After driving Granny and Mason home safely. She died right there. Alone. I will feel that guilt and grief for a long time to come. What I did not do. I don’t feel shame because I know God and God won’t let me fall that far into this. But today. Just for today I will feel it all. Most days I only feel it when I see the oink in the sky or Tyminski singing “Numb”. Today I give Mama every piece of energy I have. What’s left over will carry me through the night.
I do not tell you all this for sympathy or to hear “Don’t feel that way” or “go to see a therapist” Y’all I have been in therapy since I was 8 years old. 8! and ongoing for the first 10 years of sobriety, 7 rehabs with intense therapy daily for 30 days or more. I know therapy. THANK GOD I HAVE THE TOOLS TO BE HONEST HERE AND GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD…….TO be SOBER in this walk. TO feel guilt and say dang that hurts but that’s OK BECAUSE I MUST FEEL IT TO MOVE THROUGH IT. FEEL YOUR FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Talk about them. We talk about pink hats and politics, we take pictures of pretty wine glasses and babies but when it comes to death and sobriety unless it is some celebrity like Matt Damon we should just not bother with the ugly truth. Today I bother 🙂
ALL. DAY. LONG. HAPPY PRETTY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY MAMA Cindy Plemons.