I never knew Chicken salad tasted better with cayenne pepper, people love Hawaiian rolls and that I am still “this” close to a drink/using drugs. Oh , also, Amy Sedaris says something along the lines of “If you are hosting a party, no matter how tired and grouchy you are, be happy when you open and close the door to your guests. You want people to feel welcome and want to come back.
We had an amazing 4th of July where I made this delish, yes i said it, delish, chicken salad and brought Hawaiian rolls to slather em on. Since we was hostin a party out at MarrowBone and I was tired Amy’s advice came to mind…
Sleep doesn’t find me anymore. Tru has taken over my body and kind of my mind, so I just lay awake each night fighting insomnia. I know every pregnant woman complains and I am sure people around me are sick of hearing it, but I it’s my freedom to speak 🙂
So speak I do….to everyone, I just tell everyone my woes these days, including you.
There is a kid kicking my ribs, I have restless syndrome, I cry all the time, if not I am mad, I am soooo tired, I am huge, I want to look sexy, I want to make love to my husband and not think about my belly, I wanna feel cool. That is why when Dr. Staggs asked me today if I wanted to take Ambien, I froze. I wanted it. Never mind the 8 years of sobriety I have under my belt THIS MONTH, July 19th :), never mind that I am about to have a little son to take care of….All I heard was ESCAPE…ESCAPE…ESCAPE….My mind went into overdrive…In 5 seconds I thought-this will make you sleep, make you feel better, make you feel something other than the way you feel now…make you high…mmmm….high….high….high….
I said “I am a drug addict and that is a narcotic, right?” He said, Oh yes I am so sorry I forgot…Let’s not do that.”
I don’t even know whose voice told him that, I was saying YES!!!! but something in me came out of all these years doing my due diligence and said NO!
Listen, to you this may not sound like a big deal, but for me, I used to eat Ambien like candy, not the way normal people do…I am weak right now. I can see my addict all around me…Take something….take something…..you will feel better. He is a haunting cloud of air whirling all around this bed as I type.
BUT! I am fixin to bust a cap in his ARS!!!!
I immediately want to put in my “healthy girl disclaimer” and let my other peeps in recovery know that I immediately called my spiritual mentor and let her know, along with another addict and will also be seeking some fellowship of people like me later tonight. There. See I still have it 🙂
I get a little confused these days…What is my alcoholism and what are the hormones. My good friend Polly the other day said “Ya know the only way to get out of yourself is to help someone else.” That is the most simple, direct, exactly what I need to hear everyday answer. I am so grateful I have people in my life who love, care and let me cry, people who take care of me, people who rub my shoulders and tell me its all ok, but most importantly I am grateful for the ones like Polly who just say basically “Get off your ass and help someone else cry baby!”
I know I can not stand to be around people who NEVER take action and just stay down and make it all about themselves all the time. See now that “SPOT IT YOU GOT IT”…That’s where you see someone doing something and you hate it…why? Cause you probably durin it tur if I had to say. That been my experience.
I will turn it over to God, Tru will come when He come, I will lay in this bed for 3 weeks if I want to, so I don’t hurt and or make anyone wanna blow they head off, I will continue to reach out to other people like me that get it and maybe these ole swirls of darkness will fall out the frame!
SEE!!!! that scary as hellz!!!!!!!
I WANNA FEEL LIKE THIS!
SO THEN I CAN HAVE THIS: