I remember her. When she was born. Her daddy, my step dad, Roger came out of the delivery room ( I will never forget this) he said, “You have a brand new red-headed baby sister!!”
I suddenly cried tears of joy. I had never done that before I recall it embarrassing me. Granny was standing bedside me and as usual knew me to the bone…she put her hand around my shoulder. I was 11 years old.
I took Lil sis home, yep I took her home 🙂 and made her mine. Nobody made me do it, it just was how it was. Mama let her sleep with me, let me dress her, pretend she was my girl. Maybe that’s where we went wrong. I feel partially to blame. I was always in control of our family and if I wasn’t life was hell for everyone. The funny part about it is that my step dad kinda fell into the role too. Was he sweet as pie and mean as hell all rolled into a big ol doughnut hole nobody could quite seal in a box? Yeah he was that…But somehow I always kinda had him wrapped around my finger. She did too. Way more than me. You could see the way he loved her. I wanted to be loved like that by my daddy but hey, life ain’t always what ya want 🙂 I was loved enough. My mama loved me more than she loved herself, hence me having the master bedroom in every home including the trailer to the “big house” out on 96 West. New 96 as we old Franklin people call it.
Lil sis and I started growin up..I grew up so fast, too fast. I started drinkin, druggin, promiscuity, lyin, gettin in trouble with the law..you name it I did it all before we turned 16 years old. Little sis heard it and saw it all. I broke her heart.
I look at Tru now. He is 2. When lil sis was 2 I was her girl all the time. All the time then one day I turned 14 and I just left myself. Not just myself but her. No longer a maternal figure but now someone who could not be trusted.
In my mind’s eye right now I hear 2 voices and see 4 faces. Aunt Nancy and Rachael Lane tellin me to be careful not tell little sisters story, only mine and I see Steff and Angie watchin me write this and makin sure I tell the truth.
I will say it all with love.
We all have active addicts and alcoholics in our lives. I do right now. Here’s the deal. WE have something to do with it. We can help. We certainly don’t put the drink/pill whatever in their hand but we..”.I “enable them.
I watch this happen all the time with family. We sit and gossip about “can you believe they did this or that” then we turn around help them keep doing what they are doing. Essentially killing themselves.
I see it most with my Mama and Lil sis. I see it because I was Lil sis for years. I drank and drugged from 13 until a short time ago. appx 20 years. I see Mama hurt for lil sis like I watched her hurt for me..and I used to blame her ya know? Just like big sis would blame her for tryin to “help” me. Its a cycle…I get it. I get thinkin “I will give your lil sis my last dime because if I don’t she will go hungry and die of starvation and I will never forgive myself”
They said the same thing to me. I used that. Used it against all of the women in my life, including my best friends. I played that card. One that I used be really good at was layin some guilt down card. I can still do it today but hopefully I don’t. I try not too. But for addicts it is a survival technique. We have to have people do what we need them to do, act the way we need them to act, be where we say, give us what we want, we have to control you or we think if you do not succumb to our needs we will die. Truly. How can we live without someone somewhere doing and being something for us. We all have one. (In active addiction)…Someone we manipulate. Someone-who—if they do not do it our way there will be hell to pay, be it screamin at us, silent scorn, or God help us all they drink/use at us. Bless their hearts. Bless Lil sisters heart.
My point with this blog is nothin really. I feel sad about Lil sis tonight. Sad for Mama and Granny. Sad that I caused A LOT of the damage that has led Lil sister down this path. But I also want to help someone who is in any kind of relationship with an addict-STOP ENABLING THEM! Period. You know you are if you are. It’s not just about money or lies…It’s about sellin yourself short to make sure they appear to be ok to the world. They are not Okay, I was not okay but guess what? That is okay. You can’t fix them. No one could fix me. It took one strong sister being a bad ass the first go round and one bad ass man to help me the 2nd time. They did it in love but they did it tough. No BS. No exceptions to the rule. Get Sober, get well or get out!
Today…..Today I don’t use/drink, I rarely lie ;), I don’t cheat, I don’t manipulate/yell/cuss/hurt/silently scorn the people I love. I try not too. Some day’s on those some crazy days when I haven’t done my prayers and meditations I am hell on wheels and I work real hard to get it in check. I have a girlfriend today that is the most honest upfront woman I have truly ever known. She tells me how to treat her, she helps me see when I haven’t prayed enough. Through actions she truly leads our friendship but does so in a way I still think I’m the boss 🙂 See I am still sick but kinda in a healthy way.
Ugh this was a lot to write, feels gross, I am still sick over Lil sis and Mama. They know I write about them. They know I would kill for them. They know I am loyal to a fault to them.
Could you please say a little prayer for Lil sis tonight?
Can we pray for yours?