I felt him before I saw him.
I was supposed to be looking for a dress for his funeral. I had broken a window to get into granny’s house.
In my madness I think I had forgotten I had a key.
I sensed him. behind me.
I was sitting on a stool in front of the big picture window.
I was smoking what was left of my stash. In a slight moment of clarity I knew….
I looked through the reflection behind me.
I can still see him. His legs, in tennis shoes…no taller, hiking boots and socks, like always..jean shorts, not frayed jean shorts, just denim knee-length, belt and white uniform shirt. His summer uniform. I can smell him even now. Old Spice.
He was tapping his left foot. He had no face…..Not really anything above the shirt, mid shirt….
The tapping said “What are you doing? No and stop it.” There was a shaking to the non-existent head. I knew not to turn around, I knew he wouldn’t be there If I changed position.
I knew at that moment he had died for me.
This man who had caused me so much heartache, who had jump started my need to escape into that toxic and alluring world of drugs/drink, sex and country music….He was the country song I wrote. He was why I found solace in an old donkey….
He was why I had the nightmares…He is still why I have the nightmares…
But he is now something else. He is how I learned to live and forgive. If I could forgive him for all the abuse, the wrongs, the looks, the yells, the hurt, the hits, the pain, If I can see him for being sick as I in those moments….If I can see him as a child of God who couldn’t not do any better…..when he could do better he did. He was my father. He was ALWAYS there. He loved me as his own. He was MY PROTECTOR. He loved babies. He would love Tru. Oh my gosh, He would love Tru. I would let him love my son, his grandson. All because of a simple thing, forgiveness. He gave me so many gitfs. His death unfortunately being one of them.
That night I bring up this night because Roger is on my mind so much right now, in my dreams. Nightmares more like it. Where I need to reach out and have faith. I am losing my grip on my touch with God…..I am not connecting to HIM the way I normally do and the result is this. Nightmares and bad thoughts…I must reconnect, hold on to HIM.
I felt him before I saw him…..