It felt like lonely. It sounded like lost. It looked like the devil. It smelled like doom. “It can’t be a relapse Jon, it can’t…..”
I screamed and wept into his arms as we sat on the edge of our bed, on a grey cold February day, in our little house in Medina, WA. Being naive to the disease he said “no it’s not a relapse you just took too many, you have to stop.”
“But i need them, I can’t possibly unpack this entire house and raise a baby without them, I have ADHD, you know this, I can not do it alone!” He believed me. We made a deal. One a day. I even believed me a little bit. Jon had gotten the dream job, I had the baby, the little white house in the perfect neighborhood, money to spend,a cool city, close family, a new start….
3 more months passed of me stealing Adderall, finding a dealer in a town I knew no one and finding a doctor who trusted me enough to believe my lies.
When I think back on those months it is so big and gross and such a lie it is hard to catch my breath. I feel disgusting writing about it but I know it is time. Secrets keep you sick and i refuse to let this follow me anymore. I must tell my own truth. There will be some who will be ashamed and turn their heads, lots of judgement but in the end at least the words were written by me with my husband backing every word.
Ahhhh so Jon and I suffered during this time. We took trips to Cabo to try to solve it, we fought, we stayed silent, he would see I was using more than I should and I would somehow convince him I was under a doctor’s care.
End of May. I wake up to my phone open to his number. Jon had texted it to himself. All texts had been deleted by me beforehand.
Let’s call him Bob. Men are part of my story for as long as I can remember and it didn’t stop just because I presented a fairytale on FB.
I met Bob thru a mutual friend in Seattle. He was introduced to me after I had told my girlfriend I was struggling with adderall. She said “Bob has been sober for almost a year after a relapse from Adderall, you should talk to him.”
I met with Bob only twice, both times for less than an hour and both times at a Starbucks. There was never any physical contact. But….as we all know physical isn’t always the siren.
See…I could tell Bob how awful I was, I could tell him the dark truths and he had no tie to it to judge. I mistook that for him not being judgemental like my husband at home who was dealing with a wife who had relapsed after 8 years, was lying daily and who was so distant it was like i was wearing a suit of Armour….No I just thought-Bob gets it.
So I began texting Bob all the wrongs I was doing so he would say it was OK, I wasn’t bad while my husband would come home from a job he had worked his ass off to get and see me where….nowhere. I was there but not there. I was having an emotional affair.
We come back from Cabo and after sneaking adderall back through customs while holding my son I thought-this is it. I have to stop. I can not go on. It was the end..But my choice to choose how it would go down was gone.
My phone. Bobs number texted to my husband. My husband. Gone. I call him frantic. He is a cool calm. He comes home and takes my baby. He takes my baby boy. He says “you said if you ever relapsed to take our child.” He took my baby. I hit him in the face. I was to blame.
I was so angry. Justification came in 100 forms…I NEVER felt messed up, it was prescribed, I could always function, it wasn’t an affair I was texting a guy in recovery about relapse!!!!!!!!! I held on to that for so long y’all.
Jon Cody went into survival mode I guess. He called every one of my best friends back home and each family member. You have to understand that he suddenly realized he didn’t know me at all. That taking too much of a script was one thing but to be having an affair meant I was a stranger. It set him on go…..
Next week Jon Cody is going to write for us….I want you to understand where he was coming from as a father and a husband…As a man.
My husband and I talked about this last night. Telling this. My fear of hitting “publish” is big but the need to be free is bigger. What else would you like to hear about pertaining to this story?
Please read next Thursday to see if we took your suggestion 🙂