Sometimes you gotta go get filled up in order to give…
I needed to be filled up this morning, instead of pouring out 🙂
I am hurting some and don’t want too. I do not like waking up with a heavy heart. Some things happened this weekend that just sort of shook me. More than anything I hate the feeling of a broken heart. Now, please don’t go thinkin that a man is the only one who can break your heart. It’s not true.
I am so vulnerable right now. It is very easy for me to get hurt. I am not usually like this. I am tough, independent, I always have a way to cope. I don’t feel like that now. I feel like I am breakable, I am easily left with the feeling of abandonment, I judge my outsides so harshly, I analyze every move that is made around me….Regardless if this is hormones, alcoholic mind mess or just being a woman, it is real. Isn’t that always the scariest thing…You tell someone how you feel and there is a defense, a label that can be thrown on the problem. I can get lost in all of that. I think I have cried a thousand times this weekend, But, y’all I don’t want too. I don’t want to try to fix someone I love, I can’t save her, I can’t change him, I can only fix me.
I get exhausted workin on myself, I really do (a sarcastic smile is on my face, one that would make me punch me). I know the only way to get out of myself is to help someone else. This is on my list today, even though I do not want too, I want everything around me to just be fixed and me to be right and serene. I can see where I am at fault in these situations. My spiritual mentor and I are working on the fact that I don’t set boundaries for myself. SELF-CARE.
I like to be the cool girlfriend/wife whatever, so I will pretend to be ok with stuff so when I am standing beside him I can hear him brag about how laid back I am. I have always been this way. But I suffer greatly. Why, because I am not standing in my truth.
My mentor and I laugh about this one a lot…
I was 5 months pregnant, exhausted on my gorgeous wedding day in Italy, I had walked a thousand miles and I had to tinkle (it took me 34 seconds to figure out a word for pee) for like an hour….I kept saying “I have to go to the bathroom, but I never stopped our train of people from rolling. Finally my mentor grabbed me and made me stop and go to the bathroom. I know this seems like a silly example, but it is little stuff like that where I won’t take care of myself.
Now listen this isn’t some self-pity game. I want to learn to be better, say what I really need regardless of if you like me or not. It is bizarre because on so many levels I am balls to the wall and out there, but when it comes to the little things that i think add up to if you really want me….I will be a bit of a puppet. I think the only people I don’t do this with….well it is one person. Wow, yeah one…..Mama. Man, that’s a crazy realization.
Ok, so my point in all this banter (hilarious, I was not gonna even write today, i was gonna just put up the quotes)….my point is, I want out of myself and I wanna chose positive loving things. SO I can change my mind and not dwell on the negative, but I have to do work to do that. This is why I read these quotes, scriptures and hit my knees and go help people. It really works. Ughhhhhhh it is not that easy, no one said it would be, but it is simple. Don’t sit and harp on the bad, look at the good. Get up and go get some fresh air and my goodness, be around people who make you happy and you can do that in return for them. That is my plan…(although I got me a twisted ankle, so I be careful)
Love you. I swear I do!
QUOTES I READ TODAY:::::::
We can always choose to perceive things differently.
You can focus on what’s wrong in your life,
or you can focus on what’s right.
– Marianne Williamson
We must be proactive in our love
in order for it to change our lives.
– Marianne Williamson
Then I headed on over to see what the doctor had to say….
“We need a qualitative change in our souls as well as a quantitative change in our lives.”
— Martin Luther King, Jr.
Still feeling not really in the “right” yet I visited my Pastors blog…
“We must ask ourselves, “Am I plugged up?” Do we like to receive mercy from God, but not like to give mercy to others? How quickly do our hearts beat to help the miserable and afflicted? Are our hearts merely angry at the sinful unrighteousness of the world, or do they break for people who are as lost as a ball in high weeds, doing every foul thing? Mercy changes us. When we realize what God’s done for us, we can’t help but give it away, because we want other people to experience it, too.”
-Pastor Steve Berger