Turts’ Stories n Truths

Stepping
Keep Steppin 1000 667 taylalynn

Keep Steppin

A blank space. A hole with words to fill. A girl who didn’t go to college and barely attended high school throws words on here like spattered paint. No rhyme or reason and absolutely makin a mess of ole correcto English grammar. Her close friends have forgiven her this and know her well. Can decipher this nonsense she calls writing. Strangers either laugh or run. There aren’t too many in betweens.

The venture of writing a blog, of writing a song, telling your story is a courageous one. I use that word because I think of my close friends who put their hearts on the line on the daily when writing music. When we write music it is of the soul. Period. It comes from the heart and if it is not there to be written then part of the soul is missing for that day. Same goes with writing anything in my humblest of humbles. When there is chaos and mess I can write all day long. Give me a rainbow, Charlie brown and I ain’t gotta a clue.

 

 There is a place over the rainbow I am headed. There is a place I sit in this moment that is full of sunshine. I have been blown in the wind and laughed in the rain. I have cried the ocean. But for today it is bliss. I think of the girls I know lost to the disease of addiction. I too suffer from alcoholism and addiction but have somehow found a way to connect to God and HE has removed that obsession for me, just for today, 

I pray for my little sis who is locked away with only her thoughts to think. Those incredible self hatin devils who tell us we aren’t worthy. Who tell us no one loves us, we are not valuable. We are terrible women, mothers, children, sisters…TO THOSE DEMONS I SAY GO!!!!!!! Get out of here!!

She is loved, valuable, not alone, worthy and most of all SHE IS A CHILD of GOD and because of that she has a yellow brick road laid out before her…..It just takes the walking …I wanna scream that too! JUST START WALKIN baby girls! START WALKING!!!! I can not tell you how to shake off the obsession. I am no expert. But I know what worked and works for me daily. That is askin God to remove it, doing HIS will, helping others and WALKING….doing that footwork. I pray I get rid of judgement in my heart and that I too keep walkin. That gossip, ego, narcissism leave me….For today maybe they will be less than yesterday and is that not a blessing? I have been remembering lately an old blog I wrote after I had my son. It spoke of “an old lover coming to visit me”. (the pain pills they gave me for birth) Today if that lover (pain pills) came to pay a visit I would knock his silly ars to the ground and keep steppin! We always gotta keep steppin!!!!

Keep Steppin’ Turts

 

Beetle
Beetles linked to PMS 1000 667 taylalynn

Beetles linked to PMS

Somedays are for the birds, others for the beetles. Sittin here on this chair for the 3rd day straight with nowhere to go..Trapped by the silence. Embraced by the same silence. At peace and bored to death…Do you read what I write? Do I care? Yes I do That’s the problem perhaps? Caring if you read. Or is that the good in it all?? I think maybe I am a liar. I have a lot of places to go. Lots of errands to run and a car seat with buckles to take my little bubba with me….I need people to talk too, so I go. I talk then I am tired. So tired because last night a Lil’ man you slept for 8 hours with 4 mins breaks in each of those hours and now I carry on like a baboon or some character on this Disney Jr. station that seems to trap me as much as the silence. But isn’t trap the most disturbing word you have heard today? I detest that filthy little word. For am I trapped? No. I can walk across the street at anytime and grab a friend. I can run to the beach, I can braid my hair and call myself whatever her name is..Not Darryl, what is it? Whatev. I google later. I think this is called peace. I write about peace before as something I feel. Today it’s the simple quiet that makes me crave some loud crowd with a slammin fiddle. Is it? Or do I just have PMS therefore I have no sense of reality? I believe I will eat this beetle.

Parade
Life livin in real time… 1000 667 taylalynn

Life livin in real time…

That’s it. I’m changed. You know those moments in life where you are like-hey this is a turning point. I feel it, I am different. That happened to me as I walked out of my home at 7am this morning.

I signed up as a volunteer for our Medina Days Parade. That just meant I contact the peeps who we wanted in the parade, got the coffee, donuts and balloons then line everyone up. Seems easy right? Normal right? What any mom would do right? Not for me. I live a life of Ego mania/chaos & I am too tired to move life and when I am not focused on myself and my music the other parts go to Tru and Jon. I pray daily to have God remove these defects of character, to be of service, to not be so self involved, to just BE….Rare is the occasion that it works. But just for today it did. Really all week it has.

I believe somewhere in my ‘raisin I learned a sense of entitlement. I learned how to guilt Mama and them into doing what I wanted and needed them to do. Wrong yes, did it work, yes. I took that into adulthood. I have lived in bad situations sure, so I would use my surroundings, whatever they may be as a reason not to bloom. Not to take responsibility. Well, moving to Seattle was certainly a time I could take this dirty little defect and use it. But for some reason, this past year, my inner being would not let it work. It was not working. Instead of people being happy and doing what I wanted I made people sad with me. So I stopped. For the first time in my life I stopped doing what has always worked for me and I started doing what works for us. My family. All that to say it led me to volunteering in my community and that made me new friends, made my son happy, made my husband happy. We know so many people in our little community now. My son has like 6 new girlfriends. I made a couple new girlfriends who are real, honest,  up front, giving and very kind.Their husbands are that as well. I prayed to have women like this come into my life and here they are. Right down the road 🙂

I have my Music and Advocare which is a service to meet new people, help change lives for the better. If I chooose to use both as a platform of goodness. Today I do.

God answers us. We pray, we get. In HIS timing. We can’t be selfish to get what we want, we have to be of service and there in lies the blessing.

Seems simple. It took 30 plus years for me to get it. Truly, I think I will keep going down this road..I have this new thing in me today-I wanna be a rock in our family. Jon cody started his amazing new business building furniture, I am booked up with shows and we have our cool as cucumber Advocare biz 🙂

I wanna learn more about all of these things. I want to be a rock in my family and community. I wanna keep walking down this road. I don’t know if I ever been on a road I truly thought was worth the hike? I’m not sayin I didn’t feel that way with my boys, but it was different…..They chose me, I chose them and then we were glued together and nothing has broken us yet. We have been pulled to the test of the glue though I tell ya.

A speech from a changed girl into a woman.

Here a little video from me on this subject:

http://youtu.be/N9TqFN0Ym8g?list=UU-RZJeuPsm-C4CQpMvHUiYA

Here is my Advocare site if you wantin some product 🙂

https://www.advocare.com/140726527/default.aspx

 

 

Dr. Pete Moss
Pete Moss 1000 667 taylalynn

Pete Moss

I remember him more than just about any man in my life. I had a few growin up. I had my dad, my adopted dad, my step dad and my grandaddy. Those were the main family “men”.

But he was this man who I thought knew it all. Someone I trusted with every ounce of my being. I respected. I knew could fix anything. He was a good man. He loved me, at least it felt like it. He saved my life a few times with just his “being”.

Dr. Pete Moss

I knew him in all kinds of ways. Do NOT be weird. It was never like that. It was SAFE. Like one of the only safe and i Mean totally safe men I knew. He never hurt me, yelled and was always honest in this way that made me wanna be the best little girl I could be. He was who mama took me to see when I was totally out of control, which was ALL THE TIME.He wasn’t just my doctor, he was hers too. And sometimes I wish, well a lot I wished they could be together 🙂 Granny also worked for him, so he was just all up in our small town life.

Everyone in my hometown of Franklin, Tennessee

ee went to see Dr. Moss. He now says I have to call him Pete. Whatever Pete.

Why am I writing this as a blog?

I guess my motive is this.

We all have crap happen. We all take the wrong road, make some mistakes and we forgive and pray others will forgive us.

When I talk to Pete, I am still 8 years old and feel so safe. Like I could immediately tell him EXACTLy what is hurting. And he would listen. He is a born pediatrician to all us hurt adults that can’t quite believe he is no longer our doc 🙂

But for me and countless others…He is always and forever not only our safe place, our doctor but our friend. I love you Dr. Pete Moss 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

Baby Sister
Lil Sis 1000 667 taylalynn

Lil Sis

I remember her. When she was born. Her daddy, my step dad, Roger came out of the delivery room ( I will never forget this) he said, “You have a brand new red-headed baby sister!!”

I suddenly cried tears of joy. I had never done that before I recall it embarrassing me. Granny was standing bedside me and as usual knew me to the bone…she put her hand around my shoulder. I was 11 years old.

I took Lil sis home, yep I took her home 🙂 and made her mine. Nobody made me do it, it just was how it was. Mama let her sleep with me, let me dress her, pretend she was my girl. Maybe that’s where we went wrong. I feel partially to blame. I was always in control of our family and if I wasn’t life was hell for everyone. The funny part about it is that my step dad kinda fell into the role too. Was he sweet as pie and mean as hell all rolled into a big ol doughnut hole nobody could quite seal in a box? Yeah he was that…But somehow I always kinda had him wrapped around my finger. She did too. Way more than me. You could see the way he loved her. I wanted to be loved like that by my daddy but hey, life ain’t always what ya want 🙂 I was loved enough. My mama loved me more than she loved herself, hence me having the master bedroom in every home including the trailer to the “big house” out on 96 West. New 96 as we old Franklin people call it.

Lil sis and I started growin up..I grew up so fast, too fast. I started drinkin, druggin, promiscuity, lyin, gettin in trouble with the law..you name it I did it all before we turned 16 years old. Little sis heard it and saw it all. I broke her heart.

I look at Tru now. He is 2. When lil sis was 2 I was her girl all the time. All the time then one day I turned 14 and I just left myself. Not just myself but her. No longer a maternal figure but now someone who could not be trusted.

In my mind’s eye right now I hear 2 voices and see 4 faces. Aunt Nancy and Rachael Lane tellin me to be careful not tell little sisters story, only mine and I see Steff and Angie watchin me write this and makin sure I tell the truth.

I will say it all with love.

We all have active addicts and alcoholics in our lives. I do right now. Here’s the deal. WE have something to do with it. We can help. We certainly don’t put the drink/pill whatever in their hand but we..”.I “enable them.

I watch this happen all the time with family. We sit and gossip about “can you believe they did this or that” then we turn around help them keep doing what they are doing. Essentially killing themselves.

I see it most with my Mama and Lil sis. I see it because I was Lil sis for years. I drank and drugged from 13 until a short time ago. appx 20 years. I see Mama hurt for lil sis like I watched her hurt for me..and I used to blame her ya know? Just like big sis would blame her for tryin to “help” me. Its a cycle…I get it. I get thinkin “I will give your lil sis my last dime because if I don’t she will go hungry and die of starvation and I will never forgive myself”

They said the same thing to me. I used that. Used it against all of the women in my life, including my best friends. I played that card. One that I used be really good at was layin some guilt down card. I can still do it today but hopefully I don’t. I try not too. But for addicts it is a survival technique. We have to have people do what we need them to do, act the way we need them to act, be where we say, give us what we want, we have to control you or we think if you do not succumb to our needs we will die. Truly. How can we live without someone somewhere doing and being something for us. We all have one. (In active addiction)…Someone we manipulate. Someone-who—if they do not do it our way there will be hell to pay, be it screamin at us, silent scorn, or God help us all they drink/use at us. Bless their hearts. Bless Lil sisters heart.

My point with this blog is nothin really. I feel sad about Lil sis tonight. Sad for Mama and Granny. Sad that I caused  A LOT of the damage that has led Lil sister down this path. But I also want to help someone who is in any kind of relationship with an addict-STOP ENABLING THEM! Period. You know you are if you are. It’s not just about money or lies…It’s about sellin yourself short to make sure they appear to be ok to the world. They are not Okay, I was not okay but guess what? That is okay. You can’t fix them. No one could fix me. It took one strong sister being a bad ass the first go round and one bad ass man to help me the 2nd time. They did it in love but they did it tough. No BS. No exceptions to the rule. Get Sober, get well or get out!

Today…..Today I don’t use/drink, I rarely lie ;), I don’t cheat, I don’t manipulate/yell/cuss/hurt/silently scorn the people I love. I try not too. Some day’s on those some crazy days when I haven’t done my prayers and meditations I am hell on wheels and I work real hard to get it in check. I have a girlfriend today that is the most honest upfront woman I have truly ever known. She tells me how to treat her, she helps me see when I haven’t prayed enough. Through actions she truly leads our friendship but does so in a way I still think I’m the boss 🙂 See I am still sick but kinda in a healthy way.

Ugh this was a lot to write, feels gross, I am still sick over Lil sis and Mama. They know I write about them. They know I would kill for them. They know I am loyal to a fault to them.

Could you please say a little prayer for Lil sis tonight?

Can we pray for yours?

 

Toys
It Hit Me 1000 667 taylalynn

It Hit Me

Things pop in my head at the most inconvenient times. I am rushing around tryin to get ready for a party I am havin at our house tonight. It hit me.

Don’t worry about it baby. Leave his toys in the living room floor. He will only be little for a short time. Let him sleep with y’all if you want too. Don’t let “their” opinions sway you. nurse your baby until you think your little one is ready to move on. It ain’t none of any of our business what another mother does as long as she is being good to her babies. Love someone a whole lot and let em know it. If you wanna move home, go on home. Don’t be selfish about anything. Be honest even though it feels gross sometimes, lyin feels worse later. Never cheat, obv, but don’t. Look at yourself and ask why you wanna act out anyway? Be mad but only for a few minutes and DO NOT act on it. Cry in the middle of a room full of women you trust. Do it. Cry. Let them hold you up. Trust your husband but take care of yourself while doing this. Work Hard. Don’t expect someone else to do for you what you can do for yourself. Eat healthy, it just feels good. Don’t beat yourself up if you eat McDonald’s and that ole 5 cheese, but make changes quickly to only do it every once in a while. Feed your family clean and healthy 75 percent of the time 🙂 If you can only do it 50 percent of the time you rock! Its progress not perfection. Have fruit around and eat it all the time. When someone you respect tries to give you advice, listen. Be teachable. Be willing. Breathe in God, Breathe out self. Scream out your faith in Jesus Christ. Even if you are on stage or in a room full of people you don’t think believe..Trust me a couple of em do and they need you to help em scream it too! Make room for change and growth. Let go of the ugly past and if it was a real sweet past and you want it back, I am sorry baby you can’t go back but you can move forward. Cook all sorts of stuff, feels like you queen of the castle to nurture your family in that way. Have sex with your husband. Please. I mean be all healthy and shiz about it, but don’t be weird honey. I know it isn’t always what we wanna do, but when we do the afterglow is as sweet as it always was…And hey if it ain’t there’s always tomorrow night 🙂 Keep tryin for that baby….God has got a child for you. He does. I know HE does. I know it because you are a wonderful mother already…He has got you sweet girl. He has got you. I will hold your hand for 52 years if it takes that long and if don’t happen that way I will hold your hand when we go get that sweet baby from somewhere else. Love the water. Love it and soak it up. Be honored when you are asked to be a God parent and take that responsibility seriously. If you ain’t done the best job at that or bein a sister, Aunt, sponsor whatever, keep tryin. It ain’t over! Have 1-5 really super good honest women as friends. Please. If you a man do that with a man. Sing real loud, even if people say you suck. Do it because you LOVE IT! Do anything because you love it, not because you need anyone’s approval. God love you, that enough 🙂  You do not have to weigh 100 pounds and be 23 for him to love you.  And as Great Mama always says-Have an attitude of gratitude and you will be all right 🙂

Alcohol
Who you call… 1000 667 taylalynn

Who you call…

Gods plan is not for me to know. This is all I know.

I have been in a recovery process since I was 19. That was the moment I admitted to myself I was an alcoholic.

I did not put down the drink at 19, It was much later.

After destruction and so many sins that without Jesus Christ I have no idea how I could breathe after all the wrong doings.

I can breathe. I have held my breath in the last few years on numerous occasion.

But today, I made a call.

I feel sad and free.

I wrote down where I have been wrong and whom I had hurt.

There is a pattern to my character defects.

I am sad and free.

I wish there was a gentle way to tell everyone I have pushed down or broken since I was a teenager…a gentle way to say-I did that. I hurt you. I was selfish and cruel.

But alas that can’t happen today.

So I made a call. To her. When I put the pen down her face filled my mind. Maybe a year ago it would’ve been my aunt bills face who came to me. But this is not a year ago and I am not the woman I was then. I am new to me. Everything about me is new to me.There is rarely a day a dark thought comes even close to my street, much less my door, and such a rarity to enter I don’t even recall the smell…

I made a call. I cried my tears. And she said “It is good you are sad”…..

I am sad and free. I am a different woman than I have ever been. I pray that this woman inside of me grows…that I can help anyone. That is no lie. The word humility hits my heart right now and I wonder if writing this is taking away the work I did because I tell you. But if I didn’t tell you how can I help?

I am sad and I am free…and that my love makes me happy 🙂

Be blessed

 

Seas
Artists doin’ Advocare 1000 667 taylalynn

Artists doin’ Advocare

“Life will throw ya some sand and part the seas. Open the doors and let in the breeze. Blow the wind and right the waves.”

 

That is how our life is lookin today.

 

Jon Cody and I met 3 years ago. Within 6 months we were engaged, married, pregnant and moved 3 times, 2 being across the country and back.

 

When Tru was born we had some choices to make. I no longer had a record deal and my income was zilch. I was not in a place physically or emotionally to get back to work singin. So we were in a pinch. My husband saved us. He found a job back in his hometown of Seattle. It would enable me to stay at home and raise our son.  A dream for both of us…

It was an amazing job for him but it quickly began to take its toll.

 

Jon Cody is NOT a corporate dude. He just isn’t built like that. This is a guy who broke up with a girlfriend once (100 years ago I might add):  and decided the best cure for a heartache is livin in a jungle in Costa Rica for a year buildin’ huts! He took off to Africa for weeks just to pet a lion and he flies a plane just to feel free from stress.

 

 

Babes, that ain’t a guy who can clock in 9-5 then come home and continue to do it.

 

Josephus Daniels (LOC)

He stressed see

Anywho-

I started seeing the toll before he would ever admit it. He was losing himself. I watched my husband fall into this routine that so many Americans do. Just LIVIN to WORK instead of WORKIN TO LIVE.

I won’t go into the details but its been almost 2 years later and he has taken a leap of faith. Our family has taken a leap of faith.

He has left the corporate world. He has started his own business.

Jon is very passionate. A few things he is most passionate about are:

His family, Travel ,Music, collectin old sh$t and buildin’ thangs….

So he, bein the mensa he is, combined ’em all!!!

“Finger Farm Furniture” A father-Son biz 🙂 Together they are building the most precious children’s furniture!

 

Music City Memorabilia” takes his organic love of music and collectors items and combines them into this fancy high-tech online new age thing this old country girl better not try to explain. I will let him do that…

Then ya got the thangs I got him into 🙂

My music is going really well out here in the NorthWest. We are booked up all the time and he is my right hand love bug 🙂

So when all is well-All can be better! 🙂

Jon Cody and I have been introduced to Advocare and have fallen in love. We have both have come to a place in our lives where we want to live healthy and free. We want to teach Tru good healthy living. Advocare is that.

We have signed on as Artists doin Advocare! It is somethin we can do together as a team! That excites us both!

Healthshop Wheatgrass

We really would just love to buy a tour bus live on it all over America for year, buy a home plant some roots, have another baby and be able to have these 4 businesses come with us everywhere 🙂 🙂 Heck maybe we even start a business where we show people how to do all this bahahah, we figure it out first.

We love our lives. We fought hard to get here. To this moment -this place.

Join us as we travel down this loop ‘te loop of life on..

Tru Finger TV!

Here is a video of a girl I dig, then mine 🙂

 

This is why I said YES to bein an Artist Doin Advocare:

http://youtu.be/ae5rKfIPVqY

 

So then I said-HEY 🙂

http://youtu.be/Km5jbaZFGRM

If ya need anything check out my site

www.advocare.com/140726527

Thanks to Jed and Pauline Wick, who introduced us to this awesome product!

Thank you to Memaw aka Loretta Lynn for lettin me sing your songs.

Thank you to our families and friends for supportin’ and lovin our crazy tails 🙂

 

 

Loretta Lynn
Makin a Record with Memaw :) 1000 667 taylalynn

Makin a Record with Memaw :)

I’m not supposed to tell you this but-
I started a journey about 10 years ago with a song called CoalDust written by James House and Leslie Satcher. This week we recorded that song in Nashville. Me and James. Then—-we decided we would make us a record & sign a record deal. So we did. Then to top it off-we thought maybe we might sing one of Memaws on this record. Then why not ask her if she might sing on this song for this record of mine. She said YES. So today we did just that!
My manager, Phin Daly has been a blessing in my life.
horse
He sawed he in half! 1000 667 taylalynn

He sawed he in half!

 

Words run rampant through my mind on the second. Not on the daily babe, but the second. I wanna write everything down, take a note of it all… Then my one year old giggles and is off again and the paper in my head takes flight disintegrating into a million little pieces. I forget what it was that was vital that it must take the ink I need to put to paper….

This morning I remember the back roads of a life that held me like baby.

I feel those roads. I can see every turn in the road, see every memory along each pull off. I can smell the air that only an old driveway leadin back somewhere you better not go unless you gonna be friendly can offer.I can hear you Tennessee. I can feel you Franklin.

What is heaven to me? Riding a horse, while laying my head on his neck feeling the ground vibrate under us, takin that horse into the square of downtown Franklin where all my friends and family would be cause it’s Christmas at the Main Street Festival!!!! Jon and Tru are in a sleigh going round and down Main street with our other kids and loved ones…Currier is painting without a care, Steff is….I smile here, she is holding hands with her mama…Lisa is still hugging Travis, she has a messy bun in her hair without a worry and Iz and Fos are still young and free…Tyler is leading worship with only the passion Tyler can convey, he loves her, he watches her too…but not just watches her…he goes to her. My brother, sister, Mama, brothers, Granny, Memaw, Aunts, uncles…they aren’t at the square, they are all in their favorite places…David with his family, Ang with her kiddos and Daddy…Granny at the flew market…I see Mama with children somewhere…not playing but “giving to them”…With all of her mite…Giving them hugs and gifts of love…I haven’t found the others yet, but they are close…Just close my eyes and I can get to them. That is my heaven.

…..John Greer came to me in a dream last night. He said “I made room for you at Christmas dinner.” I go, I cry, I tell him it was always him. I remember him being there. Being our dad….Even if it was for a short time, he was so nice. Gentle.I tell him that. That wasn’t in heaven, just in a dream last night.

 

 

Life is such a book of little notes about things that make us.

Memories that are random and  I see often:

Granny pulls up in her green van and Ang has her feet in the windshield. She is maybe 12? She has on stripped socks. I wanna be her.

A trip out west with my Grandaddy, Granny, Mama, Bubby and Ang. We go to someplace where you can put a quarter in and watch a guy saw a woman in half. I bet I spent 2 dollars on that thing. I was 4.

I see me Mama and Roger dancing to Christmas music in our den. I am 17. I knew happiness in that moment, I knew love. I knew we were a family. I knew that I wanted that moment to last forever. I will ask God to put that in my heaven too 😉

I see David showin me he can jump backwards off the diving board and he busted his chin, blood ballooned around his little body.  I can’t remember who got him out. I can’t remember anything but watchin them stitch it up. Oooo grody, I won’t ask for that to be in heaven.

I could keep going, but my coffee is wearin off…

So I be endin with this…

I know this in my gut. The south lives within me. When I can’t physically be there I can go there like this anytime. See that’s a lesson I just learned. I never know what I’m gonna say when I start writing to you. I just go.

Merle is singin to me…Its 6:10am. I have a blankie, Christmas lights, coffee and a full heart. I wanna achieve a long sought goal, to discover a new strength, to overcome a challenge, to conceive a new dream or a new life plan for the year..I wanna live life like it’s all little notes for my book of life.

I love you Tennessee.I love you Seattle. In Heaven God puts you 3 miles apart 🙂



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