Turts’ Stories n Truths

The Story Behind SoulShine 1000 667 Chase Jennings

The Story Behind SoulShine

My Mama and my Aunt Cissy at Coon hunters event with their daddy’s in Waverly Tennessee when they were 12 years old. They quickly became best friends. Mamas daddy, Tommy Stewart and his family all lived in Waverly as well as my Dad’s parents.

Mama started spending tons of time over the Big House and ended up falling in love with my Daddy 💑

She loved her dad’s family and her new Best friends family. This town is where she felt at 🏠 Home.

Mama became a part of this place. When she died she died happy because she was on that Ranch. In this town.

4 years ago I was at a cross roads 👩🏻‍💻I knew I needed to come home but I didn’t know what home looked like anymore.

Franklin is where I grew up, 👩🏻 where all of my friends are raising their kids and their lives.

It’s where my brother and his family are. Our family home 🏡 still stands on the land where it was built almost 75 years ago.

One day i was out jogging by Lake Washington and God 📿 whispered so vividly i can still hear it now. He said “you can take them home”

I was hit with a vision of dirt, a house that was wood and cozy, animals 🦉🦋and my Memaw.

I always said “there’s no way I’ll live that far out, where Target? Ain’t no Target or Starbucks!” ☕️

God 📿said it again. “You can take them home”

I saw my mama coming over for supper and Cissie being with her. A relationship renewed.

I saw my kids running around like wild cowboys. I saw my husband fulfilling his dream to have land, animals and work with his hands.

I saw me as a 👵🏻 on that same front porch, rocking my grand-babies.

When we got out here all of that happened (well i ain’t a granny yet) but so many of those visions are set in process. They are our world.

Things i didn’t know to expect would be the community both at the Ranch (they are like family even the ones who ain’t) and as a real gift the community of the actual town of Waverly. I had NEVER spent time in Waverly. Ever. Maybe once when i was young and wild with my cousin Beth. But never any true time.

I immediately loved it. For those of you who didn’t grow up in franklin, Franklin and Waverly were similar when we were younger. I’m a small town raised girl and i easily felt at home here.

The people. The community. That’s where the heart beat of this place thrives. With the people.

…..my children will be raised here. We will live on this farm and i will rock my grand babies on that porch swing.

So we must invest ourselves and become part of the foundation of our town. Of Waverly TN.

I’m good at about one thing 😉 that’s performing and hosting people. 💕

I’m good at making people laugh and feel welcome. 🦋

The Sims Family is amazing at that too 😇

So The Sims and The Fingers have invested in our town. Pulled up a plot in the dad gum center of the square!!! 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

We have created a space that is COZY, WELCOMING and full of music with a blasted Food Truck right outside the door! 🥓 🎶 🔥

My Mama called me Sunshine ☀️

Now that’s she gone i hold her in my Soul.

I’m now her SoulShine. 🕊 🕊 🕊

The Sims are full of sunshine and their Souls are too!

We agreed 100 percent that this would be the name of our new Music 🎶 Nook. 💕🦋☀️

SoulShine’s Grand Opening is November 30th and December 1st.

We will have a multi layered concert with comedy; Local Eats Food Truck and serve coffee, Tea, Sodeeee POP and desert.

Our vision is that you feel warm, entertained, have a place to go right here in the town of Waverly for a date night or Music and you don’t have to drive to Dickson or Nashville.

We want our kids to grow up and have this place. To stay local. To build local. For us all to commit locally.

We have been so blessed to be able to create this. We hope you come along with us. That you join us for Opening Weekend!

Tickets

We only have seating for 50 people. We have about 10 seats left for both shows. To get your name on the list, text (425) 503-7893 and pay at the door.

Final Note

I’ll end with this-yes i know you thankful for that.

I get bored fast. I’m a runner. I love Target. This venue is so much more for me-to me than a business. It’s a labor love. For the community but also for my sobriety. My recovery. To give is to get. Is to stay sane. To be of service to people is to stay out of self. I wanna still go go go and God wants me to slow down. Be present. Be surrounded by my people. I want so badly to be the woman God has created me to be. To be able to Travel and sing then come home and bring what i know right here to my home town. To just bring joy and music. That’s it. I Love you 💕

Disclaimer: I’ll leave the Sims to tell their side of the story 😂

Angels, Unicorns and Baby Jesus Really Do Exist 1024 683 Chase Jennings

Angels, Unicorns and Baby Jesus Really Do Exist

The world has made me vulnerable on purpose, yet at the same time I became a grown-ass woman who suddenly needed to make decisions on her own. (paraphrased by my dead mama mentor, GorgeousInGrey.com)

“Angels and Unicorns and Baby Jesus really do exist.”

My mama called me the other night in my dream. When I answered the phone I continued to say “Mom? Mom?” I was in shock. I was trembling with happiness to her voice. She calmly told me how it isn’t much different there. They all have jobs and she was just chillin’ right then. I could see her on the phone in a cute little house, candles lit, crisp fall day, chili on, people running around outside. That would be heaven for Mama. That sounds like heaven to me. Heaven is my Mamas sweet lullaby, her voice in the kitchen, candles lit, fire in the den, people in and out of the house we love, my kids piled up on my lap, Jon Cody outside chasin’ goats. Memaw on the radio.

Today is her birthday and I fight the guilt. It’s the guilt that rages sometimes in grief. How was I possibly too busy to throw her a 60th Birthday Bash? I told her-If you quit smoking I will do this and that. Who am I to judge her? If you make Mason mind I will let you come out on the road more. That one. That ONE kills me. Literally breaks me into pieces. I can see them. Like last nights’ glitter all over my floor. The guilt of things I did to my Mama. Don’t be that person who says “She wouldn’t want you to feel guilt” Well no shit Glenda but I do so let’s move through it. Work on it. Why did I do what I did? What can I do differently not to feel like this again? Get to the source of the defect. Acknowledge it, change it. DO NOT SIT IN SELF PITY. My Mama made me mad and I made her cry. Nobody loved her more though. I promise you that. NOBODY. Maybe baby bro and sis and auntie but I don’t know. My obsession was big and bountiful and she was so much to me. She still is. As I type she’s wrapped around me in this sweater. I hold tight. My birthday wasn’t really that difficult to get through. I felt and I cried some but I stayed busy. Today I take her things…so many things ..to good will. We slowly keep wrapping up her life. She died exactly 4 months ago. On this day. This night. The 7th or early morning like 1am on the 8th. She should’ve been at my house. She shouldn’t have driven home. But hey I was busy right? I had kids here. I had to leave early. It was an inconvenience I couldn’t deal with. Mama I am going to Canada and you won’t wake up then the kids will be crazy and on and on. So she died. Alone. After driving Granny and Mason home safely. She died right there. Alone. I will feel that guilt and grief for a long time to come. What I did not do. I don’t feel shame because I know God and God won’t let me fall that far into this. But today. Just for today I will feel it all. Most days I only feel it when I see the oink in the sky or Tyminski singing “Numb”. Today I give Mama every piece of energy I have. What’s left over will carry me through the night.

I do not tell you all this for sympathy or to hear “Don’t feel that way” or “go to see a therapist” Y’all I have been in therapy since I was 8 years old. 8! and ongoing for the first 10 years of sobriety, 7 rehabs with intense therapy daily for 30 days or more. I know therapy. THANK GOD I HAVE THE TOOLS TO BE HONEST HERE AND GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD…….TO be SOBER in this walk. TO feel guilt and say dang that hurts but that’s OK BECAUSE I MUST FEEL IT TO MOVE THROUGH IT. FEEL YOUR FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talk about them. We talk about pink hats and politics, we take pictures of pretty wine glasses and babies but when it comes to death and sobriety unless it is some celebrity like Matt Damon we should just not bother with the ugly truth. Today I bother 🙂

ALL. DAY. LONG. HAPPY PRETTY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY MAMA Cindy Plemons.

Tayla Lynn on Grief
This is What Losing Your Mama Looks Like… 1000 667 Chase Jennings

This is What Losing Your Mama Looks Like…

This is what losing your mama looks like round about your first fall without her. When you look around and everything is her. When memories of conversations about the smell of fall come to mind. When you know that first call on your birthday won’t be her. When the lonely aches and your insides peel open into a past so deep with her that the air stings with her scent.

When you lie down and just stare because if you breathe too hard you could erupt and never stop bleeding your pain all over the floor. It’s lonely and it’s alone. It’s cold and it’s heavy. It’s all yours and you can do with it what you will.

This photo is of grief. Of losing my mama. Of being without her on this earth. In this photo I am not learning from the Grief, getting wise or praising God that He took her mama to heaven. (Always loving the Lord-don’t get that twisted)

Not right there. Not in that second. This is a photo of a little girl turned woman crushed at the thought of spending the first fall without her mama.

#deadmamasclub #tayongrief

The Now… The Change 1024 683 Chase Jennings

The Now… The Change

If everything changes after that, then this must be The Now…The Change.

When I went to send you this email, I went to send it to Mama too. That is when you know this is the now that they talk about being the after.

Mama had a way about her. She spread laughter, joy, wild energy and love. She moved me and mad me madder than a hornet. Made me madder than anybody in town ever thought of doin son!

But I loved her more than anyone until I held my babies. You love your mama like that don’t cha? You were grown in her body. A part of her. There is nobody you are closer to—- other than your own babies. That’s my experience anyway. This grief thing is ever changing. I am mad. I am happy. I am desperately sad but at the same time I feel nothing.

I am moving through my life but there is a disconnect. I’m not all there. I am foggy and afraid. I am peaceful and aware.

I am taking pieces of her. The pieces that were bright and the parts that I felt somehow lacked. How dare me think they lack. What judgement. As if…I…somehow know what is right for another. For me I take these pieces and I build.

I’ve never focused on a budget or been the bread winner of not just a family but merely of my own. We are to be self supporting aren’t we? I guessed and hoped someone would always foot the bill. (because hadn’t they?)

I was raised that way. Today I am trying to break the chain and to do so is like snapping a rubber band in half and at the same time it is the most powerful thing I have ever done.

All power is God. Got it. But this footwork is mine and to work I shall. My granddaddy always said “Work Hard Tayla” I have done that but its been more if a “hustle”. Today I am focused and intentional.

I am taking the lead for our financial stability today. Scariest most liberating moment. I am building with the pieces see.

I am so grateful…..My prayer has been for the last 15 years “God please allow me to financially support my family through music”

It is proving to be there…..almost……So one must continue driving while staying focused in their lane. For me my lane is broad 🙂

My ventures are:

MUSIC: Always MUSIC — to Sing is to Breathe and to breathe is to stay Sober and connected to the Lord. This is the most important job I do outside of Recovery and my little Finger Fam. I must pursue this with all of my might. This is my calling and to not practice my magic is to fall. I no longer fall. I trip. I get up. I always get back up.

HOSTING: I love the events that come our way at the Loretta Lynn Ranch!!!!! Its our home and I enjoy making people feel like it is theirs as well 🙂

ACTING: Just landed another role in a faith based film YAY! Acting for me is just like singing. Its in the same vein.

DUCK RIVER DRONES: Booking and selling what we offer. This is obv new for me. Its a little like actin tho eh 🙂 You know I am just throwin’ you a show of your land/party whatever xoxo

FINGER FARM: Our new store in downtown Waverly. Open to the Public Oct 1st.

It will be my office where I head up Tayla Lynn Enterprises, Duck River Drones and our Animal sales.

The store will have….stay tunes for October 1st.

This will also be the meeting place for “Rise Up”

I am also doing all things EVENTS!!!!

I’m not only hosting events that include Tre and myself but other types too 🙂 Women’s Retreats are kinda our gig and Family oriented Community Events!

I AM SCARED. I AM FAITHFUL!

Loretta Lynn, womenslifestyle.com

My husband is running the farm and being a “stay at home daddy” When I am on the road. He is also the man behind the Drones/Animals and just being our dad gum rock y’all. He is so passionate about his family. About this land. About my music. He supports this new way of livin we are doing 100 percent! 😉

I need help y’all. Any push you can give me or any share will help. I sold 4 goats and booked 2 house parties & a drone session today! WHAT??? GOD IS GOOD! God is love! I am without fear baby.

How can you help?

  • Host a house party.
  • Got a role in a movie? Call me
  • Need to host an event? Ok I help you plan it.
  • Need some pics of your house, wedding, party, lawn, real estate, Baby daddy cheating? Know someone who might? Tell me. Send em over!

I got goats, pigs and cows. Call me. I bring em over.

I got tables chairs and all things woods son. I will sell em to you LOL

I have NEVER been the baby driver before 😉 Got advice? I won’t listen but feel free to share how much better you would be than me at his email 🙂 I always get at least 5 of those when I send out a newsletter….yet somehow they keep gettin read. Real interesting Clark!

I am determined and I am on fire. When you build pieces of yourself that have always been there but you were to dang scared to do it—when you do it. You know it. You feel it. You move in it. you LOVE.

I love you all.
T

Cindy, Celebration of Life 1024 749 Chase Jennings

Cindy, Celebration of Life

There was a brief moment in the sky when i felt her brush my face and call me her baby.

There was a touch of her warmth in the air. But as soon as i felt it it passed. I tried to grab it. For only a second more. But that’s as long as she had.

I see her. She’s in the flowers. All of them. She’s Bright, smiling and filled with joy and healing.

She’s so much more than this obituary but Arrangements needed to be made.

As in life Mom lived everyday as an adventure, never planning for the future. She had no life insurance 🙄👵🏻😂🧟‍♂️ planning the funeral today was heavy.

So many people have asked what they can do. Feel free to donate to the Cindy Plemons Memorial Fund.

Please Join Us:
Thursday 9-10am visitation
10:30am Grave Side Service at Burwood Cemetery in Burwood TN

Directly to follow

💖💕Celebration of Life💕💖

We will directly go have a “Cindy Celebration of Life” at Burwood Community Center

Everyone is welcome 🎪

We want you there 🦋

An outpouring of love is coming our way and we accept and appreciate that ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

You’ve asked if there is anything you can do.

Feel free to bring food. Thursday is catered by our buds at Greers but there is always room for pies sides whatever! People love to eat with somebody die honey 👵🏻

We will have a band Thursday and blow up balloons. We will sing and cry.

Until we can get Mamas accounts squared away we have started the “Cindy Plemons Memorial Fund”

You can send donations for funeral and Mason directly to my PayPal at taylatotmusic@gmail.com (do you know how gross we feel posting about that but wanting to get this funeral and mason paid for and set up trumps our pride)

What would Mama expect me to do? Go LIVE like her sunshine would…

Watch the replay via Facebook
 💖
Love you all
Tayla Lynn in Dublin
Lessons From Dublin 1024 841 Chase Jennings

Lessons From Dublin

As I walked the streets of Dublin yesterday I saw beer everywhere. I saw places to spend so much money. I thought (and please hear me) “I’m here. On a different time zone. All alone. I could drink. I could spend this cash. Nobody would know.”

Now that’s the thought of an alcoholic ok? That’s what happens first. Then God and the spirit in you thats done and continues to do the work says, “Oh my God you good Lord Jesus thank you that that is literally the last thing i would ever do today! 🙌🏼 That my intent is to seek history and culture. That my main goal is to find a rock for my husband and a leprechaun 🍀 for my sons”

That’s huge guys. That’s sobriety. True recovery. That feeling i want to hold on to. To grow. To remember when i stumble. The money thing too. Spending. The body obsession. I got out. I ate well, I didn’t spend much and i walked and walked.

This may seem like nothing. Like to a normie they say “of course that’s what you do”. To us sickos that ain’t 😉

A friend i was with said “how do you not drink? Is it hard” It’s not hard because i do the work before I ever step foot here.

—————————————————-

This year Mama works 🎤

Yesterday I said to Memaw, “Thank you for letting me just go around and sing your songs, thank you for supporting me doing that, if you didn’t support me i would never be able to do this, thank you for always supporting me!” She said “that’s all you have to do, go sing the songs, be nice to the people, you’re my baby, I love you Tayla.”

So I’m rejuvenated and ready! Amazing trip here. Just soaking up people and culture has been so fulfilling.

Something I’m doing at this moment in my life — I don’t know if it’s age or it’s being a mama or what….I’m present. I’m in gratitude. I am in constant care. I’m happy. People-2 people-actually said “how do you stay happy? How do you sustain that?”

Gratitude. Period. God first. Prayer first. Everyday. First. And being in thanks. I jump up and down when I’m alone and say “look at where you are girlfriend!”

I thank God and my husband that they want me doing this. I miss those babies….but i don’t worry. I give them to God. I do the work and I’m such a better mama when I’m with them. A much better wife and Finger Farm #fingerfarmer when I’m home ❤💕

Merry Christmas Eve! 1024 683 Chase Jennings

Merry Christmas Eve!

Merry Christmas Eve!

I won’t keep you — I literally wanted to just spread some love and light to y’all tonight.

I’ve been so blessed by all of you this year. Thank you! Our family is spending the Holiday in our second home of Seattle.

God says that our primary purpose is to be of service and help others. The only way i know how to do that is to be bold and honest I’m telling my story. I was asked to share my story with my church, Compassion Church, for the Christmas Eve services. I happily and fearfully agreed.

Here it is…… I pray it is a gift to someone because every time I tell it, the shame lifts a little more, the door to God gets wider and my heart feels more at peace.

From the Finger Farm to you….Merry Christmas!

Cindy Plemons 1000 667 Chase Jennings

Cindy Plemons

This crazy lady in this video is Mama Cindy Plemons. She up in the hospital 🏥 I mean what is happening around me 😷

My mom has been a pack a day if not more smoker for as long as I can remember. Marlboro Lights. It caught her. She can barely breathe on her own and her oxygen levels keep dropping. They have her in the hospital in Franklin at least until Thursday. Maybe longer 👩🏻‍💻
They think she has emphysema (how do you even spell that). This along with her skin cancer and no teeth takin’ her down. 🤦🏻‍♀️
She called me today to tell me not to bring the babes up there to see her. Going in the morning. Feel terrible not being there now.
So throw Mama on that list of Memaw, Tim, Dad, me Hahahah the whole family going to pot 👎🏼🤧👹
If any of my friends wanna go visit her at the Williamson County Hospital, she would love it (along with any cards, candy or flowers 🌺). As some of you may know, my mom and I are both survivors of domestic violence. With that being said, I know it would also mean a lot to her if we could raise money for The National Network to End Domestic Violence in her name. If anyone would like to donate, view my original post on Facebook here.

Big love to all of you. ❤️

Memaw’s Stroke 1000 667 Chase Jennings

Memaw’s Stroke

Sometimes the madness has to slow down long enough to write about it…

It’s been two weeks and three days since Memaws’s stroke. It’s been two weeks and two days since I began having horrible stomach pains. It’s been one week and three days since I was diagnosed with gallstones and three days since they said, “never mind, we aren’t sure where the pain is coming from.”

It’s been one summer, fall winter and spring since I announced that I was gonna kick off a Pledge account and my Grammy nominated Record Producer Aunt Patsy Lynn Russell  said that she would write and produce it for me. So today. May 23rd I write to you and tell you we are doing just that.

​In a time when we have tragedies like Manchester and I see that my grandmother is truly 85 and not bullet proof like I want to dream…I want to step into the light. I want to create now more than ever To not give into the fear. To not stop because the universe throws shade. To be the light in that shade.

I want to make a raw and real record ala Loretta meets Lucinda Willams but it’s all me and Pasty in there with our blood sweat and tears…I can’t do it alone. I need you. I love social media for this. We feel like we know each other and from social media some of you have become like family to me.

I first heard of these crowdfunding platforms a few years ago when I was still in Stealing Angels. We were mad as hornets we didn’t do that route. From there I have seen Melissa Etheridge, Emily West, Shelly Fairchild, Natalie Stovall….all make the record they want all by themselves! No record label to pay back! So without further ado, here is my Pledge page! For anyone new to Pledge, it’s similar to KickStarter, but specifically for musicians. Here’s a screencap from their About page that explains everything better than I could:

Pledge Music screencap

Also, if you have any suggestions for my Access Pass or giveaway rewards, please let me know. THANK YOU!

From a Scar 1000 667 taylalynn

From a Scar

Glennon Doyle Melton tells us to “make sure we are sharing from your scars not your open wounds.” But, alas, I am learning. I am trying to grow up. As I cipher through my blogs I read. I can feel the heartache or joy I felt when writing these stories. I edit from a place of scars today. I am in the process of a new journey.

 

 

Where my writings are as much of a focus as my music, as much of a focus as my job as a homemaker. Nothing will ever be as important as being a wife or Mama but there is balance here. I am finding that daily. Shall we step into these scars?

This was a blog written when I was aout 7 months pregnant and lost. As I read back and edit I can see why I relapsed a few months after that. There are signs everywhere.

I pray..I read,

“For he has rescued us from the dominion of the darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins…”

“Since then you have been raised with Christ set your heart on things above…”

“Put to death, therefore whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil, desires…”

Colossians 1

I stop there.. Sexual immorality, being rescued from the darkness… I am a Christian. I believe that the only way for me to get to heaven is through Jesus Christ. I believe I am a sinner and I will pay for those sins when I die and see my heavenly Father. I do believe that Christ died for my sins and that because of that I am forgiven.

Disclaimer

I wrote the above paragraph in 2012. When I was drowning. I do believe I am a sinner, but the language I use there “I will pay for those sins” is not how I think anymore. I have asked for forgiveness and I have repented. I don’t believe I will be up there in shackles today. This is the entire love of Jesus. He washes me clean. All I have to do is show up.

Growing up I was always mischievous, rebellious, wild as all get out… My mama didn’t raise us in church exactly. We would go to Berry’s Chapel Church of Christ in Franklin when we were younger, then we’d head on over to the Nazarene church, Baptist, Jehovah Witness, Catholic, you name it, we went. Mama was a free spirit, she loved the Lord, she believed in Jesus. I followed her free spirit ways.

Now my Aunt Bill (Granny’s sister, my Mama’s mama) was not so free-spirited but my goodness she was full of love. She went o church every Sunday baby. She wasn’t so into Mama’s way of livin. Mama has got the best heart and she had kids real young so she was always looking for what it was that would save us…..lookin for somethin that would make her and us complete.

Sometimes that answer would come to her in not so good men and men that were good but just had their own demons too. Granny and Aunt Bill, who lived next door to each other “on  the hill” watched all of this in what looked like anger on their hearts, but the older I get ,I realize it was total fear.

Mama lived fast. I liked it. So I did too 🙂

I mention Aunt Bill to ya because she is who I “heard” for some reason. She taught me more about the Jesus I have come to love and worship~more so than any church.

The God I know is loving,  all-knowing, huge, knows every little ants heart, HE is funny, loves me and you the same, is sad about my misdoings but loves me anyway, keeps giving me life and love, He is always present , only I can shut HIM out, HE will have consequences for me when I get up there, but because I love HIM so I will get up there 🙂 He will judge me when it is my time. I am ok with that, he scary but I like havin something I fear. It helps me do right.

Rereading the above in 2017 from 2012 I am seeing a common thread here. I say that God is all loving but then I talk so much about how HE will punish me. Again, I say this is not the Lord I know today. Sure I will answer to my Father in Heaven but…this mean Daddy of a God isn’t the loving Father I have in my hearts eye today. I have taken so much out of this blog that was just jumbled and hasn’t even made sense to me. I see a broken girl in this blog, so taking some of those pieces but trying to come up with a solution based story in what I leave)

So, we know now, I read the bible, I am a sinner, I am a lover of Jesus Christ, I am an ex crack and heroine/pill/ alcoholic addict, I have had pre marital sex, My mama ain’t perfect but she is mine, I grew up with the word being taught to me, I go to church, I am a survivor of mental, physical and sexual abuse. I am a Christian. It is not my job to judge you, judge other people’s actions and I certainly have no room in my closet over here to sit on my throne and pack your stuff in there. I wanna love you. I wanna be loved.

 

(In 2017 I am reading this with you, I have not skipped ahead. I see the next sentence and now I get it. I was FULL of guilt and shame when I wrote this. FYI I relapsed just months later, I can see why now)

This takes me to a small topic I want to discuss.  I got pregnant before marriage. I will be havin a talk with the Lord when I get up to the pearly gates for more than just pre marital sex I promise ya 😉

(again 2017, TAY, babe. This is not your God today)

I have wanted a baby for as long as I can remember. I met Jon Cody, we fell in love and were engaged a month later. 4 months later we found out we were pregnant. Our first thoughts were of joy and peace. This was a child who came from love. Our families were ecstatic. I believe with all of my heart and soul that once my baby boy was in my body it became a blessing. God loves Christian children. My son is just that.

Jon Cody and I decided to wait to get through the  first trimester before telling anyone, our jobs, our friends etc. I was so scared I would miscarry. I am not in my twenties anymore. Ya know what I swore to be honest here so…..Im mid thirties now 😉 (that as close as I will get)

^^^^^^ *2017 fear of being really known

SO, ladies and even you guys know that we women start gettin nervous at that age. To me, once we had conceived there was nothing more important than keeping my baby safe. I mean with all the drugs I had done in my past I was afraid I had damaged my body permanently. My drug abuse was no small venture. So we waited. For me it was tortuous. If you know me at all you know I LOVE to tell everything fast and put it on FB/TWITTER even faster…

After the first trimester we told our friends and work colleagues. We were met with love. There were places in my life that I will not go into detail, but places in my life that told me I had to be quiet, not to tell this secret. It became a secret for a while. This brought back so much shame from my youth- I can not tell you the hurt I felt. But we survive don’t we…When Tru was 20 weeks and we found out he was a boy I told the world. There was so much freedom in sharing that love. We were just swamped with absolute love!!!

Now don’t worry, Jon Cody and I have read and heard AWFUL things! How I am not a good person, a sinner, we are only getting married because we are with child, on and on. The sad thing is this wasn’t just from strangers on some website or twitter but people I knew. The judgment was hurtful. I do know what my bible says and I hear my pastor preach. Pre marital sex is a sin. Guess what- I am not perfect and I sinned. I will be judged by my FATHER, and I hope that I don’t go around spewing hate at people who sin. Cause that my friend is a sin itself. 🙂 yesssss

(*2017 I hear so much anger, fear and judgment in my own voice in the above.

So where does all this lead. I don’t know. I guess it makes me feel better telling you who I am a bit. I want to know you too. I want us to begin a journey that is real here. IF you wanna judge me go on…I am tough as nails and can handle pretty much anything you wanna throw my way..

(*2017 saying you are tough as nails means you are probably hurting)

My sweet husband on the other hand gets very upset and wants to protect me. He was so mad reading the things people had to say about our love, our baby, hearing the shameful things people I knew were saying. He was ready to fight 😉 But instead we just hunker down and make our sweet family….Our life of love. MY GOD it is SWEET!!!!!!

(*2017 I hunkered down and made Jon Cody my God because I felt so much shame and guilt. Fear)

I wanna end with this. My girls (Stealing Angels) were so supportive and so full of love from the moment I told them about the baby. They are my sisters for life (*2017 truth)

. We are regrouping and figuring out our next move. As you know a baby changes everything 🙂 We are all still writing and recording music, anxious to get back out on the road. (LIE. I have no idea why I lied here. Maybe we were still talking about it but there was heartbreak and tears 100 times a day and we weren’t recording LOL, Oh Tay babe)

 My sisters and their families were nothin but sweet angels during all of this news that absolutely turned their worlds upside down too. It has been a crazy ride and we so appreciate all the love and support we have received from our fans and friends out there. Keep with us..We only got a couple months left before we saddle up 🙂 

(who even knows what any of that means? Couple months before we saddle what up?*2017)

5 Years Later

As I read this all again in 2017, 5 years later, I wonder what it is I am trying to convince yself if here? What is it I am doing putting this into the world back then? Am I gathering a posse for “my side, my salvation”. Am I looking for God in you? Was at looking for you to tell me I am ok and a good person? Today I know that is between me and God. I have enjoyed reading this and seeing where I have changed. I am so grateful for the relapse, for the rehab, for my husband, for the break from the music business so that I can see where I found the truth. It is in Jesus, in my family, in music and in writing. I no longer think I will be bashed in heaven for having my baby out of wedlock. I have asked for forgiveness and I have changed. I love the Lord and I feel HIS love for me. That’s all we can do. What a cool lesson Glennon is teaching me.



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