From a Scar
Glennon Doyle Melton tells us to “make sure we are sharing from your scars not your open wounds.” But, alas, I am learning. I am trying to grow up. As I cipher through my blogs I read. I can feel the heartache or joy I felt when writing these stories. I edit from a place of scars today. I am in the process of a new journey.
Where my writings are as much of a focus as my music, as much of a focus as my job as a homemaker. Nothing will ever be as important as being a wife or Mama but there is balance here. I am finding that daily. Shall we step into these scars?
This was a blog written when I was aout 7 months pregnant and lost. As I read back and edit I can see why I relapsed a few months after that. There are signs everywhere.
I pray..I read,
“For he has rescued us from the dominion of the darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins…”
“Since then you have been raised with Christ set your heart on things above…”
“Put to death, therefore whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil, desires…”
I stop there.. Sexual immorality, being rescued from the darkness… I am a Christian. I believe that the only way for me to get to heaven is through Jesus Christ. I believe I am a sinner and I will pay for those sins when I die and see my heavenly Father. I do believe that Christ died for my sins and that because of that I am forgiven.
I wrote the above paragraph in 2012. When I was drowning. I do believe I am a sinner, but the language I use there “I will pay for those sins” is not how I think anymore. I have asked for forgiveness and I have repented. I don’t believe I will be up there in shackles today. This is the entire love of Jesus. He washes me clean. All I have to do is show up.
Growing up I was always mischievous, rebellious, wild as all get out… My mama didn’t raise us in church exactly. We would go to Berry’s Chapel Church of Christ in Franklin when we were younger, then we’d head on over to the Nazarene church, Baptist, Jehovah Witness, Catholic, you name it, we went. Mama was a free spirit, she loved the Lord, she believed in Jesus. I followed her free spirit ways.
Now my Aunt Bill (Granny’s sister, my Mama’s mama) was not so free-spirited but my goodness she was full of love. She went o church every Sunday baby. She wasn’t so into Mama’s way of livin. Mama has got the best heart and she had kids real young so she was always looking for what it was that would save us…..lookin for somethin that would make her and us complete.
Sometimes that answer would come to her in not so good men and men that were good but just had their own demons too. Granny and Aunt Bill, who lived next door to each other “on the hill” watched all of this in what looked like anger on their hearts, but the older I get ,I realize it was total fear.
Mama lived fast. I liked it. So I did too 🙂
I mention Aunt Bill to ya because she is who I “heard” for some reason. She taught me more about the Jesus I have come to love and worship~more so than any church.
The God I know is loving, all-knowing, huge, knows every little ants heart, HE is funny, loves me and you the same, is sad about my misdoings but loves me anyway, keeps giving me life and love, He is always present , only I can shut HIM out, HE will have consequences for me when I get up there, but because I love HIM so I will get up there 🙂 He will judge me when it is my time. I am ok with that, he scary but I like havin something I fear. It helps me do right.
Rereading the above in 2017 from 2012 I am seeing a common thread here. I say that God is all loving but then I talk so much about how HE will punish me. Again, I say this is not the Lord I know today. Sure I will answer to my Father in Heaven but…this mean Daddy of a God isn’t the loving Father I have in my hearts eye today. I have taken so much out of this blog that was just jumbled and hasn’t even made sense to me. I see a broken girl in this blog, so taking some of those pieces but trying to come up with a solution based story in what I leave)
So, we know now, I read the bible, I am a sinner, I am a lover of Jesus Christ, I am an ex crack and heroine/pill/ alcoholic addict, I have had pre marital sex, My mama ain’t perfect but she is mine, I grew up with the word being taught to me, I go to church, I am a survivor of mental, physical and sexual abuse. I am a Christian. It is not my job to judge you, judge other people’s actions and I certainly have no room in my closet over here to sit on my throne and pack your stuff in there. I wanna love you. I wanna be loved.
(In 2017 I am reading this with you, I have not skipped ahead. I see the next sentence and now I get it. I was FULL of guilt and shame when I wrote this. FYI I relapsed just months later, I can see why now)
This takes me to a small topic I want to discuss. I got pregnant before marriage. I will be havin a talk with the Lord when I get up to the pearly gates for more than just pre marital sex I promise ya 😉
(again 2017, TAY, babe. This is not your God today)
I have wanted a baby for as long as I can remember. I met Jon Cody, we fell in love and were engaged a month later. 4 months later we found out we were pregnant. Our first thoughts were of joy and peace. This was a child who came from love. Our families were ecstatic. I believe with all of my heart and soul that once my baby boy was in my body it became a blessing. God loves Christian children. My son is just that.
Jon Cody and I decided to wait to get through the first trimester before telling anyone, our jobs, our friends etc. I was so scared I would miscarry. I am not in my twenties anymore. Ya know what I swore to be honest here so…..Im mid thirties now 😉 (that as close as I will get)
^^^^^^ *2017 fear of being really known
SO, ladies and even you guys know that we women start gettin nervous at that age. To me, once we had conceived there was nothing more important than keeping my baby safe. I mean with all the drugs I had done in my past I was afraid I had damaged my body permanently. My drug abuse was no small venture. So we waited. For me it was tortuous. If you know me at all you know I LOVE to tell everything fast and put it on FB/TWITTER even faster…
After the first trimester we told our friends and work colleagues. We were met with love. There were places in my life that I will not go into detail, but places in my life that told me I had to be quiet, not to tell this secret. It became a secret for a while. This brought back so much shame from my youth- I can not tell you the hurt I felt. But we survive don’t we…When Tru was 20 weeks and we found out he was a boy I told the world. There was so much freedom in sharing that love. We were just swamped with absolute love!!!
Now don’t worry, Jon Cody and I have read and heard AWFUL things! How I am not a good person, a sinner, we are only getting married because we are with child, on and on. The sad thing is this wasn’t just from strangers on some website or twitter but people I knew. The judgment was hurtful. I do know what my bible says and I hear my pastor preach. Pre marital sex is a sin. Guess what- I am not perfect and I sinned. I will be judged by my FATHER, and I hope that I don’t go around spewing hate at people who sin. Cause that my friend is a sin itself. 🙂 yesssss
(*2017 I hear so much anger, fear and judgment in my own voice in the above.
So where does all this lead. I don’t know. I guess it makes me feel better telling you who I am a bit. I want to know you too. I want us to begin a journey that is real here. IF you wanna judge me go on…I am tough as nails and can handle pretty much anything you wanna throw my way..
(*2017 saying you are tough as nails means you are probably hurting)
My sweet husband on the other hand gets very upset and wants to protect me. He was so mad reading the things people had to say about our love, our baby, hearing the shameful things people I knew were saying. He was ready to fight 😉 But instead we just hunker down and make our sweet family….Our life of love. MY GOD it is SWEET!!!!!!
(*2017 I hunkered down and made Jon Cody my God because I felt so much shame and guilt. Fear)
I wanna end with this. My girls (Stealing Angels) were so supportive and so full of love from the moment I told them about the baby. They are my sisters for life (*2017 truth)
. We are regrouping and figuring out our next move. As you know a baby changes everything 🙂 We are all still writing and recording music, anxious to get back out on the road. (LIE. I have no idea why I lied here. Maybe we were still talking about it but there was heartbreak and tears 100 times a day and we weren’t recording LOL, Oh Tay babe)
My sisters and their families were nothin but sweet angels during all of this news that absolutely turned their worlds upside down too. It has been a crazy ride and we so appreciate all the love and support we have received from our fans and friends out there. Keep with us..We only got a couple months left before we saddle up 🙂
(who even knows what any of that means? Couple months before we saddle what up?*2017)
5 Years Later
As I read this all again in 2017, 5 years later, I wonder what it is I am trying to convince yself if here? What is it I am doing putting this into the world back then? Am I gathering a posse for “my side, my salvation”. Am I looking for God in you? Was at looking for you to tell me I am ok and a good person? Today I know that is between me and God. I have enjoyed reading this and seeing where I have changed. I am so grateful for the relapse, for the rehab, for my husband, for the break from the music business so that I can see where I found the truth. It is in Jesus, in my family, in music and in writing. I no longer think I will be bashed in heaven for having my baby out of wedlock. I have asked for forgiveness and I have changed. I love the Lord and I feel HIS love for me. That’s all we can do. What a cool lesson Glennon is teaching me.