From a Scar
Glennon Doyle Melton tells us to “make sure we are sharing from your scars not your open wounds.” But, alas, I am learning. I am trying to grow up. As I cipher through my blogs I read. I can feel the heartache or joy I felt when writing these stories. I edit from a place of scars today. I am in the process of a new journey.
Where my writings are as much of a focus as my music, as much of a focus as my job as a homemaker. Nothing will ever be as important as being a wife or Mama but there is balance here. I am finding that daily. Shall we step into these scars?
This was a blog written when I was aout 7 months pregnant and lost. As I read back and edit I can see why I relapsed a few months after that. There are signs everywhere.
I pray..I read,
“For he has rescued us from the dominion of the darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins…”
“Since then you have been raised with Christ set your heart on things above…”
“Put to death, therefore whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil, desires…”
I stop there.. Sexual immorality, being rescued from the darkness… I am a Christian. I believe that the only way for me to get to heaven is through Jesus Christ. I believe I am a sinner and I will pay for those sins when I die and see my heavenly Father. I do believe that Christ died for my sins and that because of that I am forgiven.
I wrote the above paragraph in 2012. When I was drowning. I do believe I am a sinner, but the language I use there “I will pay for those sins” is not how I think anymore. I have asked for forgiveness and I have repented. I don’t believe I will be up there in shackles today. This is the entire love of Jesus. He washes me clean. All I have to do is show up.
Growing up I was always mischievous, rebellious, wild as all get out… My mama didn’t raise us in church exactly. We would go to Berry’s Chapel Church of Christ in Franklin when we were younger, then we’d head on over to the Nazarene church, Baptist, Jehovah Witness, Catholic, you name it, we went. Mama was a free spirit, she loved the Lord, she believed in Jesus. I followed her free spirit ways.
Now my Aunt Bill (Granny’s sister, my Mama’s mama) was not so free-spirited but my goodness she was full of love. She went o church every Sunday baby. She wasn’t so into Mama’s way of livin. Mama has got the best heart and she had kids real young so she was always looking for what it was that would save us…..lookin for somethin that would make her and us complete.
Sometimes that answer would come to her in not so good men and men that were good but just had their own demons too. Granny and Aunt Bill, who lived next door to each other “on the hill” watched all of this in what looked like anger on their hearts, but the older I get ,I realize it was total fear.
Mama lived fast. I liked it. So I did too 🙂
I mention Aunt Bill to ya because she is who I “heard” for some reason. She taught me more about the Jesus I have come to love and worship~more so than any church.
The God I know is loving, all-knowing, huge, knows every little ants heart, HE is funny, loves me and you the same, is sad about my misdoings but loves me anyway, keeps giving me life and love, He is always present , only I can shut HIM out, HE will have consequences for me when I get up there, but because I love HIM so I will get up there 🙂 He will judge me when it is my time. I am ok with that, he scary but I like havin something I fear. It helps me do right.
Rereading the above in 2017 from 2012 I am seeing a common thread here. I say that God is all loving but then I talk so much about how HE will punish me. Again, I say this is not the Lord I know today. Sure I will answer to my Father in Heaven but…this mean Daddy of a God isn’t the loving Father I have in my hearts eye today. I have taken so much out of this blog that was just jumbled and hasn’t even made sense to me. I see a broken girl in this blog, so taking some of those pieces but trying to come up with a solution based story in what I leave)
So, we know now, I read the bible, I am a sinner, I am a lover of Jesus Christ, I am an ex crack and heroine/pill/ alcoholic addict, I have had pre marital sex, My mama ain’t perfect but she is mine, I grew up with the word being taught to me, I go to church, I am a survivor of mental, physical and sexual abuse. I am a Christian. It is not my job to judge you, judge other people’s actions and I certainly have no room in my closet over here to sit on my throne and pack your stuff in there. I wanna love you. I wanna be loved.
(In 2017 I am reading this with you, I have not skipped ahead. I see the next sentence and now I get it. I was FULL of guilt and shame when I wrote this. FYI I relapsed just months later, I can see why now)
This takes me to a small topic I want to discuss. I got pregnant before marriage. I will be havin a talk with the Lord when I get up to the pearly gates for more than just pre marital sex I promise ya 😉
(again 2017, TAY, babe. This is not your God today)
I have wanted a baby for as long as I can remember. I met Jon Cody, we fell in love and were engaged a month later. 4 months later we found out we were pregnant. Our first thoughts were of joy and peace. This was a child who came from love. Our families were ecstatic. I believe with all of my heart and soul that once my baby boy was in my body it became a blessing. God loves Christian children. My son is just that.
Jon Cody and I decided to wait to get through the first trimester before telling anyone, our jobs, our friends etc. I was so scared I would miscarry. I am not in my twenties anymore. Ya know what I swore to be honest here so…..Im mid thirties now 😉 (that as close as I will get)
^^^^^^ *2017 fear of being really known
SO, ladies and even you guys know that we women start gettin nervous at that age. To me, once we had conceived there was nothing more important than keeping my baby safe. I mean with all the drugs I had done in my past I was afraid I had damaged my body permanently. My drug abuse was no small venture. So we waited. For me it was tortuous. If you know me at all you know I LOVE to tell everything fast and put it on FB/TWITTER even faster…
After the first trimester we told our friends and work colleagues. We were met with love. There were places in my life that I will not go into detail, but places in my life that told me I had to be quiet, not to tell this secret. It became a secret for a while. This brought back so much shame from my youth- I can not tell you the hurt I felt. But we survive don’t we…When Tru was 20 weeks and we found out he was a boy I told the world. There was so much freedom in sharing that love. We were just swamped with absolute love!!!
Now don’t worry, Jon Cody and I have read and heard AWFUL things! How I am not a good person, a sinner, we are only getting married because we are with child, on and on. The sad thing is this wasn’t just from strangers on some website or twitter but people I knew. The judgment was hurtful. I do know what my bible says and I hear my pastor preach. Pre marital sex is a sin. Guess what- I am not perfect and I sinned. I will be judged by my FATHER, and I hope that I don’t go around spewing hate at people who sin. Cause that my friend is a sin itself. 🙂 yesssss
(*2017 I hear so much anger, fear and judgment in my own voice in the above.
So where does all this lead. I don’t know. I guess it makes me feel better telling you who I am a bit. I want to know you too. I want us to begin a journey that is real here. IF you wanna judge me go on…I am tough as nails and can handle pretty much anything you wanna throw my way..
(*2017 saying you are tough as nails means you are probably hurting)
My sweet husband on the other hand gets very upset and wants to protect me. He was so mad reading the things people had to say about our love, our baby, hearing the shameful things people I knew were saying. He was ready to fight 😉 But instead we just hunker down and make our sweet family….Our life of love. MY GOD it is SWEET!!!!!!
(*2017 I hunkered down and made Jon Cody my God because I felt so much shame and guilt. Fear)
I wanna end with this. My girls (Stealing Angels) were so supportive and so full of love from the moment I told them about the baby. They are my sisters for life (*2017 truth)
. We are regrouping and figuring out our next move. As you know a baby changes everything 🙂 We are all still writing and recording music, anxious to get back out on the road. (LIE. I have no idea why I lied here. Maybe we were still talking about it but there was heartbreak and tears 100 times a day and we weren’t recording LOL, Oh Tay babe)
My sisters and their families were nothin but sweet angels during all of this news that absolutely turned their worlds upside down too. It has been a crazy ride and we so appreciate all the love and support we have received from our fans and friends out there. Keep with us..We only got a couple months left before we saddle up 🙂
(who even knows what any of that means? Couple months before we saddle what up?*2017)
5 Years Later
As I read this all again in 2017, 5 years later, I wonder what it is I am trying to convince yself if here? What is it I am doing putting this into the world back then? Am I gathering a posse for “my side, my salvation”. Am I looking for God in you? Was at looking for you to tell me I am ok and a good person? Today I know that is between me and God. I have enjoyed reading this and seeing where I have changed. I am so grateful for the relapse, for the rehab, for my husband, for the break from the music business so that I can see where I found the truth. It is in Jesus, in my family, in music and in writing. I no longer think I will be bashed in heaven for having my baby out of wedlock. I have asked for forgiveness and I have changed. I love the Lord and I feel HIS love for me. That’s all we can do. What a cool lesson Glennon is teaching me.
I Can’t Sleep
I can’t sleep. I thought she was dead. The politics make me crazy. I wish I was smarter but that’s not something you can wish. It takes studying.
I wish I had more money, but that would take more work. I wish I was more understood but that would take more understanding.
I co-sleep. My little one is 16 months and kicks or talks all night. I still wouldn’t trade it but I am chronically tired. It doesn’t matter. I awaken this morning to the book by my bed “When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron. I have read it and highlighted it to death over the last 13 years. It still calls me.
When I turn my “white noise” down a little lower my addict creeps to FB. I decide in my sleep I will let people (who?) know how I really feel about it all. Then I read. What I read may not even be true but it tells my ego-now you must be quiet.
I get up to drink the coffee. I need 42 coffees before the babes wake up. I drink. I read. I write. Am I lost? Am I centered? Will my friends at church not speak to me because I have supported the Women’s March. To my women have I supported them and myself enough. What do I really believe? Would it be different depending on who I am with. How do I sit alone as Tayla and make a choice for myself. Decide who I really am at the core and what I really believe.
We had a life group last night and my pastor (very cool guy, not old man hell and brimstone) asks us,
“What gives your soul energy? How do you feed your soul? How do you “sabbath”
My answer comes quickly, I know this: Hikes alone. A road trip alone singing as loud as I can to a brand new amazing record. Movies alone. Therapy when it clicks. Laughing with my very closest girlfriends when we are just being us.
David (brother) called me to tell me they were rushing Granny to Vanderbilt. She was having an allergic reaction to some medicine and they were thinking it was Johnson’s disease. Maybe she would spend some time in the burn unit-this disease eats your skin cells. I thought when he called she was dead. I wasn’t ready. She is 83, she has not been well, I should be ready. I pushed that grief away like it was a hot stove. I repelled. I said NO I can not now, I’m not ready. I thought-I have things to say.
The Next Right Thing
What would you say? I went and said them and it didn’t change the tide. She didn’t light up like they do in the movies. It mattered to me but didn’t move the world. But it shifted my world. When we do the next right thing we shift something in ourselves.
She is better and on the mend. *this is not Loretta. I feel irritated even having to say that. Like Granny is not as important to you as Memaw. Haven’t I created that beast though? Do I post pics of me and Granny? No. But then again Granny barely let you take her picture 🙂
I think maybe I am just writing to one person out there this morning. Someone who just wants to connect with someone elses story. Who has a mottled mind like me. Who wants to have more facts in their tool box but lives by heart instead.
I know you. I am you. Unload to me. Help me feel the normality of not being alone is this crazy mind too. Tell me that you too miss your granny even though you still won’t go see her enough. That you don’t know all these policies but you know what your heart tells you is right when it comes to politics, tell me that you wake up with nonsense in your head, a twisted toddler on your bed and still a hopeful bright, happy heart.
On Day 3, We Kept Reading John
Whoever has accepted it has certified that God is truthful.John 3: 36
Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on them.
When it about Mama…
I am a sucker for that moment…
When everything feels like it can be anything. We are about to do something that brings us to life!
What is it that brings you to life?
I don’t fill in the blanks because I am scared to write.
I don’t post a blog because I am have nothing to say. I lie because I have fear that what I say isn’t what you want to hear.
I don’t let you come over because I am afraid that the corner without the paint will be the corner that your mind holds as it’s its image of me, blank and poor.
I am a kaleidoscope of emotions and thoughts I can’t pick just one. It is like saying that I have one feeling about Mama.
When I say Mama my mind and heart immediately do a lip turn up into a smile, a tear in my eye, a sneeze and then a laugh. Yes, it’s exactly like that. She is all of that.
Mama in my mind’s eye is always smiling or laughing. or let’s get real…eating. She love to eat. Now folks she ain’t fat either. She was always so thin until she really packed it once. She sat and ate at husband number 3 for a year after he cheated on her with his secretary. Anyhoo that another story. Mama love to eat and laugh.
She about 5’4 and back down to all american weight now. She is missin a tooth though from what she say a child knock it out. She date a lot tho so who to say.
There is a woman who writes me when I write about Mama and who also writes Mama to shame me in the way I speak about Mama (yes Mama shows me). Before we get much further….Mama and I have been to therapy, to many “family weeks” at Rehab centers, we have walked thru this, we have forgiven, we laugh, that is how we walk.
Back to Mama.
3 things Mama loves. Animals, kids and Cereal.
Now I could also add men, music and cars here, but lets save that for next week. I think for this chapter leavin it a bit lighter says-hey Mama a dang trip son.
Mama will fight you for a guinea pig.
Growing up I was traumatized by dogs, rabbits ( we would have our friends come over and teach them about sex thru the mating of rabbits, no not mama, well i would do this ok, i sold tickets, kids came, i made bank)
wait, where was I ?????? Oh ok, traumatized, yes trauma…..mmm, mmmmm TRAUMA, One time I put on my dress only to be covered in cat poop for where she thought one of her sick kittens needed my awesome dress as a nice new bed. SHE ROTTEN. We had no less than 15 dogs in our 1,000 sq foot home in high school. SHE BUILT a ramp so they could easily come thru all the windows etc!!!! Then we got us a parrot. Y’all we lived across the street from the high school not on a farm ok, the parrot….she would let fly wild then go out with cheese and sing to him (Marley) and he would fly back to her arm. Yes. I would be out there taking tickets and she would be singing to the parrot, my brother would be hiding in his room appalled at it all, Roger sitting in his wrecker eating spearmint gum and Brandy would be playing in the brand new RV we bought that we parked in our backyard along with the hot tub that was now her new apartment (she was 7). Times were good. Times were good.
Crawling Through The Briars
I think maybe its time to talk about a woman’s view of an affair. Her affair. Her having the affair.
Since I have started being open about this subject I have gotten more emails and texts from y’all than I have on any subject we have grazed.
So Lets begin some open dialogue here.
I think we should write some then let’s do a FB LIVE Chat session on Friday morning December 9th. I will try to answer a few questions here then I will go in to more detail from my #facebook/taylalynn.music page.
What are some of your fears?
What breaks your heart the most?
What can you not get over?
Talk to me so I can talk to you….
There is that moment when the water breaks through….
When you wake up. When a smile crosses your lips and you want to run to someone and say “Oh I see!!”.
Y’all I sit at the waters edge this Thanksgiving morning in the Bahamas.
Everyone is still sleeping. I have been feeling weird ever since we landed. Queasy, achy, nervous because I am always nervous when there is a beach and booze and I am the only sober one…Protected but-I go through these questions.
1. when will i start feeling alone
2. how long can I remain cool like I’m just real cool and i don’t care that I don’t get to feel relaxed and different LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON THE BEACH!
3. Am I in the mood for drunk on sober sex? (when he reads this he may stab me)
I feel these. I answer these questions. Yeah right, I am not God so I have NO idea. THAT!!! That is why I wake at dawn, grab a mat, come to the edge of the water and ask God to wash it all away. For HIM to show me how I can be helpful today. To remove this feeling of sickness that is on my body. To show me how to love my husband so well that these next few days are memories we take with us forever.
What happens when I do this. What will happen when you do this babies….the wind blows softly across your cheeks, God is whispering gently to you honey….He is showing you your sweet spot. I hear the waves I see turquoise sky and it rains down to me….You have changed. You have grown.
I pick this blog up back up on the Saturday after Thanksgiving…..
I rolled up the mat. I brushed off that sand. I thanked God that I know I always have HIM. I snuggled in bed with my husband. We kiss. We head to adventure. I let go of expectation and the fear of what is around the corner. I just exist and stay present. I live in that moment. Its peaceful there.
I continue to do this and the blessings keep coming. I weep the next morning as God reveals more to me at the waters edge. I meditate and pray with the Lord. I cleanse and repeat. I stay open and I keep being present.
I DO FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO ADD THIS FOR LOYAL READERS::::
After what you read from my husband a few weeks ago I want you to know that has been a hard process to go through. The shame. I felt all of it again. I didn’t realize some of his feelings. It was a great gift to our marriage. Writing always is.
I’m so grateful he could write that.
As I sit in this moment I know I am free, light and love. Our marriage is free, full of light and love.
I treat my husband and family with love and respect. That is a HUGE step for a little rebel like me.
Our marriage is full of love. And THAT is just for TODAY. We all have to work at that EVERYDAY.
I write to you today babies….because #itkeepsmesober
These are the hands
Tayla asked me if I would be willing to share what happened a few years back. While it is difficult to do, I know the message is a good one and I hope those of you who read this see and are having a difficult time in life, find the courage to hold on and remember that love is real.
We were in Italy… I was starring into her eyes, holding her hands and committing our love in marriage. She and I were still just beginning to learning each other’s personalities under the surface…I’ve tried in so many ways to find a different way to explain the feeling we shared but it’s never quite better than “when you know, you know”.
Fast forward 1 year and we have just moved back to Seattle from Franklin, TN. I’m feeling all kinds of love I never knew and scared to death at the same time. I’m now the dad of our precious little boy, Tru. My beautiful wife is just learning how to be a stay at home mom… and we are still learning how to be husband and wife. I was covered in all kinds of new responsibilities and wanted to give my family what I thought would be the best life. Thanks to a great position at Amazon, we lived in one of the last, beautiful, old farm houses amongst multi-million dollar homes. It would cost me though… I was gone for work before Tay and Tru would wake and if I made it home before dark, I still worked until well after they went to bed.
I knew all of the life changes had been difficult for Tayla. She and I were slowly talking less and less. She seemed to carry a heavy burden of stress and resentment toward me for some reason. She wasn’t happy… and I knew that Tayla was built around a glowing light of love so something was definitely wrong. I began to get resentful as well… I was working as hard as I possibly could to provide her and Tru with this great life. Why wasn’t she happy???? She was always out shopping and meeting up with her girlfriends. She was doing less and less around the house even though she had told me she was taking adderall for her ADHD and need it to help get stuff done around the house. At the time I had no idea what Addiction really was, and definitely didn’t know the reality of what being married to an Addict is like.
One day it all came crashing down, she was crying on the bed and opened up to me about taking too much adderall. I instantly felt sorry for her. I couldn’t make myself believe she have lost control of her long term sobriety. I didn’t want that to be taken from her. I told her it was not a relapse but that she needed to stop and she promised she would. She told me that if she ever did it again that I needed to take our son. It never occurred to me that the reality of that statement would ever come true. Things were going to be ok and now that we had talked about it, she could get back on track and going back to Recovery. That was the key. That was the solution and the place I knew she could find what she needed.
She had started going to Recovery and trying all kinds of meetings and things seemed to slowly be getting better. Yet at the same time, she seemed to be drifting further and further away from me now. I was no longer someone that she could talk to. Everything became an argument and I began to catch her in a number a little lies. Where she was, where she had been, why she was late… her stories never seemed to matchup or make sense. My compassion turned to concern and then to suspicion. She was hiding something and it was time for me to find out. I almost didn’t want to look because I knew that when I did, I would find something I didn’t want to see.
I felt sick inside. I was at work and I was trying to remember my password iCould and access the feature on our family plan for find my iphone. Something was telling me she was not going where she said she was. This heavy weight of sadness and disgust began to grow. For days I would text her and ask what she was doing and at the same time check where she actually was. I was trying to catch her. But catch her doing what?? Why would she be lying??? Finally it became too much. I couldn’t just let her lie to me when I could clearly see she was never where she said she was. This time I was sitting at my desk.. I logged into our phone account and when the call history for her number appeared on the screen my heart sank. I felt my life drain out of my body. I felt defeated. Angry. Scared. There is no way this was true! Over 4000 text messages to one number. A number exactly like mine but two digits different. Someone local to Seattle. Messages sent all day while I was at work all through the night while I had been sleeping. Who was this person?? I had to find out. The next morning I took her phone before I left for work and knew I would find the name. I entered the number and HIS name appeared. This was the guy who was supposed to have helped her in recovery. The guy who she invited over with mutual friends for a party at our house only days before.
The feeling was overwhelming. I couldn’t find a word or breath in my body. I was numb. I was ashamed. I couldn’t tell anyone. How could I? What would I say? I couldn’t face it and didn’t want to admit that the woman I married and the mother of my son would do this to me. Who was this person I had married??? How could she be doing this to me? After all I have done to be the best husband and father…. why was she doing this??? WHY!? What did I do???…. I left the phone next to her and got in my car to go to work…. now what am I going to do?? I sat behind my computer just looking at this number displayed thousands of times. My mind went crazy… creating ideas of what she was saying in each one of these messages. Each one another break in our trust and in our love. Each one a lie that I didn’t want to know. I wanted to run but I couldn’t… Our son. Our little boy. Did she love our son? Did she love me? It didn’t matter. I needed to protect him and do what I never thought I would have to do.
I drove home and started packing. She knew what had gone down. She knew I knew. I told her I knew about HIM, I knew she was lying and she was either having an affair or getting adderall from HIM. Either way, we were leaving and she was going to have to deal with the consequences. She lashed out, hit me, told me HE treated her and made her feel better about herself than I did. That was the last thing she said before I walked out the door holding our little boy and drove to my parents house.
That night I stayed up while my mind raced. What was I going to do? I was full of anger, sadness…. I was hurt beyond measure. It was at that moment I saw picture of us on our wedding day. I was holding her hands in mine and her belly was holding our unborn son. The words that I had said at that very moment came back to me….
These are the hands that will countless times wipe the tears from your eyes, tears of sorrow and tears of joy.
These are the hands that will tenderly hold your children.
These are the hands that will give you support and encouragement to chase down your dreams.
These are the hands that will hold you tight as you struggle through difficult times.
These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it.
These are the hands that will lift your chin and brush your cheek as they raise your face to look into eyes that are filled with overwhelming love for you.
No matter what, she was my wife. She was the mother of my son. I had made this promise and I knew she loved me as I loved her. She needed these hands to help her. It wasn’t going to be easy and it may not workout but I was going to hold her to these words. I was going to show up and be a man. Be a husband. Be a father. At that moment, I was able to start the long process of building back what had been destroyed. If she would be willing to show up and do what needed to be done I wasn’t going to run no matter how much it hurt or how long it would take.
I am going to end it there for now. It has been hard to write these words. To think that this was our life… That this actually happened, is hard to believe right now. We have come such a long way and have built a relationship… a marriage that is stronger than I ever dreamed. I have more love for my wife than I ever knew possible. I am so incredibly proud of the woman and mother she has become today. Sharing her story takes courage and shows a side most aren’t willing to openly share….but if it can help just one person face their addiction, one couple get through what feels like defeated marriage… then it is all worth it.
I love you Tayla. These hands will always love you.
“You said if you ever relapse to take our child”
It felt like lonely. It sounded like lost. It looked like the devil. It smelled like doom. “It can’t be a relapse Jon, it can’t…..”
I screamed and wept into his arms as we sat on the edge of our bed, on a grey cold February day, in our little house in Medina, WA. Being naive to the disease he said “no it’s not a relapse you just took too many, you have to stop.”
“But i need them, I can’t possibly unpack this entire house and raise a baby without them, I have ADHD, you know this, I can not do it alone!” He believed me. We made a deal. One a day. I even believed me a little bit. Jon had gotten the dream job, I had the baby, the little white house in the perfect neighborhood, money to spend,a cool city, close family, a new start….
3 more months passed of me stealing Adderall, finding a dealer in a town I knew no one and finding a doctor who trusted me enough to believe my lies.
When I think back on those months it is so big and gross and such a lie it is hard to catch my breath. I feel disgusting writing about it but I know it is time. Secrets keep you sick and i refuse to let this follow me anymore. I must tell my own truth. There will be some who will be ashamed and turn their heads, lots of judgement but in the end at least the words were written by me with my husband backing every word.
Ahhhh so Jon and I suffered during this time. We took trips to Cabo to try to solve it, we fought, we stayed silent, he would see I was using more than I should and I would somehow convince him I was under a doctor’s care.
End of May. I wake up to my phone open to his number. Jon had texted it to himself. All texts had been deleted by me beforehand.
Let’s call him Bob. Men are part of my story for as long as I can remember and it didn’t stop just because I presented a fairytale on FB.
I met Bob thru a mutual friend in Seattle. He was introduced to me after I had told my girlfriend I was struggling with adderall. She said “Bob has been sober for almost a year after a relapse from Adderall, you should talk to him.”
I met with Bob only twice, both times for less than an hour and both times at a Starbucks. There was never any physical contact. But….as we all know physical isn’t always the siren.
See…I could tell Bob how awful I was, I could tell him the dark truths and he had no tie to it to judge. I mistook that for him not being judgemental like my husband at home who was dealing with a wife who had relapsed after 8 years, was lying daily and who was so distant it was like i was wearing a suit of Armour….No I just thought-Bob gets it.
So I began texting Bob all the wrongs I was doing so he would say it was OK, I wasn’t bad while my husband would come home from a job he had worked his ass off to get and see me where….nowhere. I was there but not there. I was having an emotional affair.
We come back from Cabo and after sneaking adderall back through customs while holding my son I thought-this is it. I have to stop. I can not go on. It was the end..But my choice to choose how it would go down was gone.
My phone. Bobs number texted to my husband. My husband. Gone. I call him frantic. He is a cool calm. He comes home and takes my baby. He takes my baby boy. He says “you said if you ever relapsed to take our child.” He took my baby. I hit him in the face. I was to blame.
I was so angry. Justification came in 100 forms…I NEVER felt messed up, it was prescribed, I could always function, it wasn’t an affair I was texting a guy in recovery about relapse!!!!!!!!! I held on to that for so long y’all.
Jon Cody went into survival mode I guess. He called every one of my best friends back home and each family member. You have to understand that he suddenly realized he didn’t know me at all. That taking too much of a script was one thing but to be having an affair meant I was a stranger. It set him on go…..
Next week Jon Cody is going to write for us….I want you to understand where he was coming from as a father and a husband…As a man.
My husband and I talked about this last night. Telling this. My fear of hitting “publish” is big but the need to be free is bigger. What else would you like to hear about pertaining to this story?
Please read next Thursday to see if we took your suggestion 🙂
WhEN tHe BOUGH BrEAks…..
If you do not tell the truth about yourself, you cannot tell it about other people.
— Virginia Woolf
Before we begin**
My name is Tayla Lynn. I am a performer, writer, wife, mama, Christian and lover of all peeps. I was in a trio Stealing Angels with Caroline Hobby and Jennifer Wayne. I am married to Jon Cody Finger 🙂 This is part of our tale. I begin at the end which becomes the beginning for the real me 🙂 We speak adult language here…
This is a 4 part series and the KICK OFF REOPENING of THURSDAY’s with TURTS at 10am Join us 🙂 Please Share and Comment because we love to walk together 🙂
Y’all ready? The girls and I have never spoken of any of this….
I dug it back out of the trash. Where the hell is it…I know its positive, I’m late and I am sick.
There it is, hidden in the bottom of the trash can…
Oh. My. Jesus. Two. pink. Lines…
I run to him….“Jon Cody…Jon..wake up”
Groggily, he looks at me. I’m newly his so he looks at me with a thirst still….He devours me at every turn.
His look changes quickly as he recognizes what is in my hand. He knew I had taken the test that morning and it was negative. As the world goes we were kinda bummed it was negative, after all we were head over heels in love and engaged. The relief that floods you when you understand the timing isn’t right outweighs that other rush of sadness though.
I speak with urgency “I am pregnant. You have to run to the store right now and get 58 new tests. I swear there weren’t 2 pink lines this morning! I guess I didn’t wait long enough….”
He smiles that Cody smile and he’s all warm and cozy when he pulls me into his arms and we laugh and cry…He is soooooo excited. I want a baby so badly that I am overcome with love. I say-“go you have to get more tests. I can’t trust just this one.”
He announces to everyone in this exhausting line that he just needs to get one thing-he shows them the test, they all clap, wish him well and let him through 🙂
I sit alone in my childhood bedroom waiting for him to come back. We take 58 new tests and dance all night…We dream with our eyes wide open…
Radio Play can never measure up to the feeling I have carrying a child.
But my love is big for them, I have lived, breathed, eaten, worked, slept, cried, laughed and sang with them for years now. They are the only family I have built around me. They were my only care for years. Now….in 2 pink lines I know it will all fall into something much different.
The fear I have of telling them, telling our label, management is so fierce and the shame so bold I can hardly make it through the days. I am 35. I am high risk pregnancy because of my age, I am scared to death that telling them before my first trimester is safe and done that I will kill my child. I will lose this baby. So I lie. I keep this secret. This beautiful thing I have to hide for months. I make bad decisions. I go on the road. I lie. I never tell. I make business decisions that affect our future. I am selfish and wrong. I feel shame all over that period of time where I should’ve felt love. I build this web and then try to untangle myself from it and finally tell the girls. One at a time, then management, then the label. These are my girls, they love me, we cry, we know its over. We just do. To take a little bit off my plate I will say that we were on our 3rd single, a single we hated, we were burnt out, we didn’t know how much fight was in us. I was ready for something different. Doing another radio tour for a song I hated felt insane and barf. The pregnancy is a huge part of why we broke up but it wasn’t the reason our songs weren’t climbing the charts….
(i mention my age so many times throughout because for me it was a huge factor)
I was so angry. Livid. How could she be so selfish. How could she throw our life’s work away, without discussing it with me and Jen. I wouldn’t have been able to see her side if it was a flashing neon light in front of me. I was so mad, and so green. Stealing Angels was the first time I had experienced a taste of magic. I thought that was it for me. My one shot. I would have to become “normal” now. And that was practically a death sentence to me. Since I was a little girl, I wanted to live a big, bright, adventurous, impactful life. I always dreamed of being someone that everybody knew. I wanted to matter and be important. So now, Tayla just took that away from me. She’s 35 years old. She knows how not to get pregnant. Why would she chose to get pregnant, and throw our career away because we hit a rough patch? But somewhere, deep down, I knew. I knnnnew Stealing Angels wasn’t going to be forever…………..
*********************************************** TAYLA TALKS *************************************************
Lets move to month 5 of pregnancy because that’s sort of how I have my timeline.
I’m in the basement of the First Methodist Church in downtown Franklin, TN. I’m wearing a short white dress, I am showing, I am a nervous wreck. I know I am having a boy.
Jon Cody is over the moon, I am over the moon but I am also devastated.
The label will not allow me to tell my news on social media, or go public in any way. They say country music is mostly old school christian and if we wanna keep it together we can’t let them know until April when I am married. What the hell? Are you kidding me. So now I am livid. But remember, I am also soooo not aware that I am throwing myself into the victim role here. I never see the web I am still weaving until much later. I can not remember if I tell the news or not. I truly can’t. The label was just doing what labels do when faced with a “crisis”.
Wally calls us in. He begins “Girls we have a production team who wants to shoot a pilot about whats happening here…..(the pregnancy, the potential break up of the band)
We are happy. There is this chance that whatever is happening here can still keep us together, still keep us moving forward. I want to move forward. I don’t want to be on radio anymore but i want to be with them.
The film crew wants to catch us falling apart, breaking up, them finding a new girl.
We do it, we film this. We put our hurts out there. Its disgusting. It is the most painful thing we could’ve done to ourselves. It ends us. Its too much pain, we scramble. I get married…. they go on to do their lives as well…..
I knew I didn’t want that life on the road, where family couldn’t be my priority. I’m from a strong family where the woman is the caretaker. I like that role. I value that role, and I always knew I wanted to take care of my family first when the time came. I knew I couldn’t be a slave to the record machine forever. But, thank you Jesus, I am so thankful for the chance to have had Stealing Angels. It’s a treasure to me. The veil of fame was lifted and I saw human nature for what it is: connected. No one is better or more important than. The goal no longer is fame to me, but now fulfillment and joy. Stealing Angels was one of the most important chapters of my life. And God had PERFECT timing when he shut the door.
From one day to the next, About 2 months after Tayla told us she was preggers, we lost our record deal and Stealing Angels broke up. God shut that door fasssst. Our time together was up.
After a couple devastating, dramatic months, crying and thinking my life was over, Jen and I got called to be on “The Amazing Race.” We got 4th place and were asked back for All Stars where we got 2nd place. It was life changing. The Amazing Race experience grew and shaped my mind and heart in ways I could never have grown, if I was still in Stealing Angels. I got to see the world. I was exposed to all types of people and environments, and I got to see that we are all ONE, and the goal is love. Going from Stealing Angels to Amazing Race opened my eyes to the fact that life is never over. When one door slams shut, if you follow your soul with reckless abandon, God will open a window to an even greener pasture.
I am now married to the love of my life, Michael Hobby, who is the lead singer of A Thousand Horses.
We have an amazing band family and we travel the country together, experiencing incredible adventures, so my gypsy soul is so happy. I launched a podcast, Hyper Caroline Hobby, that has taken off and has the most incredible, Interesting, inspired, driven people come tell their story. It’s fucking awesome. I also host an Entertainment News Show called Nashville Insider that shares all the latest country music news. I love it. I’ve never felt more excited and passionate about my work. I’m the most content, inspired, grateful, joyful, peaceful, easy-going version of myself that I’ve ever been. Because I’m in my purpose. And it’s all bc I learned from Stealing Angels falling apart, that something even better falls together if you have blind faith and trust the calling of your heart and follow it, with no fear. So I’m grateful for the way Stealing Angels came to an abrupt stop. It was not a moment too soon, or too late. I have the most amazing memories and that band shaped me in so many ways I’ll never be able to express the importance. Stealing Angels also prepared me for hosting, because I basically was in training camp during the band on learning what makes a good and bad interview, with all the interviews we did! And Stealing Angels is a big reason why I know the most interesting people in the town that I now interview for my Podcast, Hyper Caroline Hobby.
***************************************** TAY TALKS**************************************
TRU DIAMON FINGER was BORN August 3rd 2012
My baby boy. My life changer. Heaven sent. Literally.
It is a literal blur for 2-3 months. I have no idea that this blur is later diagnosed as Post Pardum. I thought it was just normal to feel grey.
I do however know something is off and I need to talk to a doctor. I make an appt.
She says -Tayla until we can get your ADHD under control we will never be able to figure out the rest.
Have you ever been on Adderall? “yes when I was 19, it worked but as I told you I am a recovering addict and that is a narcotic, I can not take it.”
Its actually not a narcotic she says…BING BING BING….there it is. The moment I decide I will take it, the moment that all the hurt, the tiredness, the more love i can give, I can finally get back to me….This will change everything, what was I thinking-im not sad, I NEED Adderall and it will fix all of it…..
To be continued……..
*******When writing this blog I almost threw up at the site of those pills. I debated on sharing a pic of them…I did it because they have no power today.